Staying in Love Is a Choice

August 20, 2019

New love feels like a magic carpet ride. You don’t appear to be in control of where you’re going, but you’re thrilled by the adventure and the view. Everything is exciting - you get butterflies before each date and each new milestone is more thrilling than the last. 

But the magic carpet ride does not last forever. As you start to spend years - and then decades - with your partner, you find yourself on a different type of adventure. 

If new love is like a magic carpet ride, long-lasting love is like a road trip.

Changing the Way You Choose to Love Your Partner 

How exactly is a long-term relationship like a road trip?

Because you and your partner are both in control, and you have to work together and navigate where you are going. Stop paying attention to where you are and what turns you’re making will only get you lost.

Fortunately, getting lost is normal. You can recover and get back on track by making the choice to stay in love. That’s right - staying in love is a choice.

Sure, the first few years of your romance may not have felt like a choice - it just felt like a fun ride. But don’t think of this new phase of your partnership as something to dread or something to be ashamed of. 

Road trips still provide a beautiful opportunity to see new things and live through beautiful and exciting experiences. You just need to make more choices. You have to choose to continue on this journey together, even when you get lost. 

Feeling Lost on Your Road Trip? Talk to a Delaware Relationship Therapist 

Every adventure has moments where you get lost and moments where you want to turn back. Don’t let discouraging pit stops end a journey - there are still many exciting destinations to go to and beautiful sights to see. 

A Delaware relationship therapist can help you and your partner take hold of your road map and make conscious choices to help you fall back in love and continue on this journey together. 

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Published in Help with Relationships

How to Maintain Your Marriage after Baby Comes

July 30, 2019

You and your partner have a lot of preparation to do before your baby arrives. But while you decorate the nursery and stock up on diapers, take a moment to think about how to maintain your relationship as well.

You might have heard friends or family members talk about how children affect marriage. This is more than just a few people complaining. 

Satisfaction rates drop twice as fast for couples with children vs. couples without children. Intimacy may decline as your baby demands more from you physically. 

Simply put, being a parent makes having a satisfying romantic relationship a lot harder.

Why do children appear to negatively affect marriage? 

There are a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest is the fact that many couples just aren’t prepared for these changes. They don’t plan for them. 

If you and your partner can anticipate obstacles and put a strategy in place, you can embrace the changes that come with a child and maintain your beautiful partnership.

What exactly should you do? 

Practice Mindfulness - Starting Now

Becoming a parent for the first time comes with a lot of new experiences. You will need to adapt to a new sleep schedule. Your priorities will change. You’ll have new roles and responsibilities. 

These changes may affect the way that you experience and see the world… and the way that you see your partner. Oh, and while you are going through these changes, your partner will also be having new experiences and feelings as well.

In order to get to know your partner as “mother” or “father,” you will need to communicate. Express your feelings and allow your partner to truly see you. 

This process begins with mindfulness. Tap into your feelings and where they might be coming from. Slow down and get in the habit of sitting in the present moment with yourself. 

When you get more in touch with your feelings, you will be able to understand how parenting is affecting you and communicate those changes with your partner. 

Of course, it’s important to realize that mindfulness and empathetic communication cannot be achieved with the snap of your fingers. It requires practice, an open mind, and a specific set of tools. Talk to a relationship therapist about how you can acquire these tools and put you and your spouse on a path toward open communication to embrace your new journey together.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Commitment in Marriage

June 18, 2019

When you stand together with your partner at the altar and read your vows, what are you doing?

You’re celebrating your love.

You’re officiating a lifelong partnership - legally and through the eyes of others.

But most importantly, you are committing to a lifetime with your partner.

A ring on your finger doesn’t guarantee that you will feel happiness and bliss all the time. Marriage licenses don’t expire. But they also don’t include clauses that eliminate the risk of obstacles or hardships. It’s only through commitment that you can secure a lifetime of being together with the one you love.

Commitment Requires Effort

Letting go of your commitment is like letting go of the steering wheel of a car. Things may seem okay for a short period of time. But once you hit a bump or an unexpected turn, you may lose control entirely.

You must grip the wheel at all times to keep your love safe and sound.

The most important phrase to remember is at all times. Many couples wait until after an indiscretion or during a rough patch to recommit. Unfortunately, this requires picking up more pieces - and doing a lot more work - than they might have thought.

If you want to ensure that you and your partner remain committed throughout speed bumps and unexpected turns, you have to work on that commitment and communicate it to your partner regularly.

Showing Your Commitment

How can you show your partner that you are committed to creating a lifetime of love and happiness with them?

The answer may lie in small gestures. For example, making changes based on a partner’s suggestion or simply telling them that you are committed. And it may include some larger efforts, too.

It’s not always as easy as putting your hands on the wheel. You need to know where you are going. And you need a plan for getting there.

Build a roadmap together. Reach out to a marriage therapist for more information on how you can recommit to your partner and continue to enjoy a lifetime of love.  

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Published in Help with Relationships

Learning to Trust Each Other

May 24, 2019

Do you trust your partner?

This may be a hard question to answer, especially in the weeks or months after a betrayal. Sometimes, it feels like without trust the entire foundation of your relationship has crumbled. Betrayals, lies, or even miscommunications can shake this foundation like an earthquake.

But it’s possible to rebuild. It’s possible to learn to trust each other, or learn to trust each other again.

Like learning to do the dishes or validate your partner, learning to trust each other is a lifelong process. Are you ready to bring trust back into your relationship?

How to Begin the Process of Building Trust

Before reaching out to your partner, look within. Do you trust that you will make the effort to learn to trust again? Do you trust that you will open up and face uncomfortable truths through this process? You don’t have to answer with a confident “yes” just yet, but know that this road is not always smooth.

Once you’re ready to rebuild within your relationship, it’s time to communicate your intentions to your partner. This can be hard. Many people fear that telling this to their partner implies that they don’t have any trust in the first place. Find a good time to talk to your partner and tell them the ways that you do trust them. Follow up these affirmations with your intentions and an invitation for your partner to share their feelings.

When both partners are on the same page, it’s time to start making the effort to build trust within the relationship. It’s important for both partners to recognize that building trust requires forgiving or allowing yourself to be forgiven for any past issues. It also requires being honest, taking responsibility for your actions, and embracing self-growth.

If this process is the result of a break of trust, it can feel hard to pick up the pieces. Things may crumble a second or third time. But when both partners are committed to building trust through honesty, self-reflection, and effort, the foundations of your trust can be rebuilt into a strong home.

The blueprint for building trust is not always easy to find. Talk to a relationship therapist for more information about learning to trust each other and using that trust to build a strong, loving relationship.

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Published in Help with Relationships

When to Consider Marriage Counseling

April 22, 2019

Some people see marriage counseling as a sign of defeat or serious relationship problems. But couples don’t need to be coping with an affair or on the verge of a separation to benefit.

Relationship therapy can help strengthen your connection and communication skills at any point. Here are a few times when it can be particularly beneficial.

Upon Reaching Life Milestones

Major life changes, such as the birth of a child, a big move, and retirement, can put a strain on your relationship and present new challenges. Whether you seek the help of a counselor before, during, or after these transitory periods, you can gain tools and skills to overcome new obstacles and embrace new milestones with your partner.

Bad Habits Outside of the Marriage

Problems outside of the relationship may stem from problems inside of the relationship, and vice versa. Sometimes the partner who is struggling to overcome a bad habit, such as drinking or gambling, is already in individual therapy. But it can also be beneficial to talk through the stress and feelings together in couples therapy as well.

Distrust or Thoughts of Cheating

Lack of trust is a sign that couples should attend a therapy session. Counselors offer a safe space where couples can share their feelings and ask questions without judgement. If you feel that you cannot do that at home with your partner, it might be time to bring in a mediator.

This also applies if you start to feel distant from your partner due to thoughts of cheating. Talking to a therapist can help you understand why and work on reconnecting with your spouse. If your partner is reticent or you feel nervous about them being there, you can always attend a session solo to begin the conversation.

Smaller Issues That Won’t Go Away

No issue or problem within your partnership is too small. A professional counselor can help you check in with each other and evaluate your current relationship status and goals. If goals have changed, or problems are just starting to arise, a counselor can help you prepare and stay strong as a couple.

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Published in Help with Relationships

The Value of Setting Relationship Goals

March 24, 2019

When was the last time that you and your partner set goals for your relationship and your life together?

Setting goals is easy when you are young and falling in love. You create a plan that involves marriage, kids, a home, and so on.

It is exciting to check off those boxes, but before you know it, you may find yourself facing an unknown future. Where do you and your partner go from here?

It’s time for you and your partner to get excited about love and life by setting new relationship goals. New goals give you and your partner a common journey on which you’ll find ways to support each other and create a stronger bond.

So, how do you do it?

How to Create Solid Relationship Goals

Relationship goals are the beginning of a new and exciting journey. Start your journey off right by creating a solid goal that clearly defines how you and your partner will help to strengthen your relationship.

What do good relationship goals look like?

They have three elements:

  • The goal offers opportunity for growth.
  • The goal requires the effort and participation of both parties.
  • The goal creates an end product or recurring event that celebrates your love and partnership.

Productive, effective relationship goals may sound like this:

  • Enjoy a date night at least twice a month.
  • Plan an exotic vacation together.
  • Become a stellar “fixer-upper” team and renovate the vacation home.
  • Attend a workshop or read a book that will spice up your activities in the bedroom.

Relationship goals can be short-term or long-term. They can have a deadline or require you to plan or attend a recurring event. Make these goals relevant to other goals in your life, if possible. When you set your goal, determine when it is time to check in on your progress.

If you need help forming goals or seeing your goals through, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Accomplishing goals can be a challenging journey, no matter what those goals are. Talk to a relationship therapist for more information on how you can set and work toward solid relationship goals.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195