Partner Power: Work Together to Build Your Dream Relationship

July 26, 2024
Male and female couple smiling while he browses on a laptop and she takes notes in a notebook

See if this sounds familiar: you grew up imagining that you would find your one true soulmate. That the two of you would complete each other. That you would live happily ever after.

Even if those things aren’t one hundred percent true for you, chances are good that – at least in some ways – a part of you has an idealistic view of what a strong relationship should look like. It’s almost impossible not to because we’ve been so saturated with unrealistic depictions of romance in media and society in general.

For most people, reality does not work this way. This doesn’t mean that you will not experience amazing love, but rather that things are rarely as simple as they are in stories. The pressures of life accumulate, leaving even the strongest relationships feeling stagnant or strained. Responsibilities like bills, childcare, chores, and personal pursuits overshadow our connection, fostering feelings of emptiness and distance. Instead of journeying together, we find ourselves walking parallel paths – or worse, paths that are slowly diverging.

This narrative is all too common: the initial spark of romance fades as daily routines take precedence. But it does not have to. You can achieve your dream relationship.

How?

Working Together to Give Your Relationship a Purpose and a Meaning

Without purposeful direction, relationships can drift aimlessly, leading to disjointed attempts at conflict resolution. What once united us in shared dreams may now clash with individual desires, making it challenging to align separate visions into a coherent reality.

What’s the solution?

You need to deliberately craft a shared vision for your relationship with your partner. When you do this, you will be able to refocus on a brighter future, because this collaborative endeavor merges your individual aspirations, values, and needs into a unified vision. This can help both of you in working to make it your conscious reality. 

In other words, each of you came into your relationship with a unique idea of what that perfect relationship – that “dream relationship” would be. But you’re different people with different goals, so if you continue working toward those goals separately, those dreams are practically destined to come into conflict.

But when you work to create a shared vision of your relationship together, you have the opportunity to co-create a new ideal dynamic that works for both of you. It might not replicate your initial “dream,” but in many ways it has the potential to be even better.

Crafting a Shared Relationship Vision

The initial step entails defining individually what each of you desire from your relationship. Reflect on how you want to feel, the activities you want to share, and your vision for various aspects of partnership, from intimacy to finances to parenting. Express these statements in the present tense, as if they're already a part of your reality.

Afterward, set aside time with your partner to exchange these statements. Identify the ones that resonate with both of you and combine them to create a joint "Relationship Vision." Then pledge to recite these statements to each other daily for a month.

Obviously, these are only the initial steps. You are setting your joint intentions for what you want to work toward – you’ll still have to actually put the work in and do it.

But these preliminary actions establish the groundwork for cultivating a relationship that strives to be the one you both envision.

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When You Right Fight, You Argue for All the Wrong Reasons

June 1, 2024

Conflict is an unavoidable part of relationships. When you spend a lot of time with someone – particularly if you live together – there’s bound to be friction from time to time. However, when conflicts escalate into right fighting – the relentless pursuit of being right at the expense of resolution – they can erode relationships and breed negativity. 

So, why do people engage in right fighting, and how can you break free from this destructive pattern?

“You’re Not Listening to Me!” 

Right fighting often stems from a deep-seated need to validate our opinions, beliefs, and values. Many people who engage in right fighting dealt with parents or others in early childhood who tended to negate those opinions, beliefs, and values, making them feel like no one listened or cared. Like they didn’t matter.

  1. It’s not just your parents. Societal and cultural influences play a significant role in perpetuating the phenomenon of right fighting. From an early age, we   taught to value assertiveness, confidence, and independence. While  but 
  2. traits are essential for self-expression and empowerment, they can also contribute to an adversarial approach to conflict resolution, where winning becomes the ultimate goal at any cost.

Additionally, right fighting can be fueled by ego and insecurity. When our sense of self-worth is tied to being right or winning arguments, we become hypersensitive to perceived threats to our intelligence, competence, or authority. We need to prove that they are wrong and we are right.

Bottom line, when we feel challenged or threatened, whether consciously or subconsciously, our instinct is to defend ourselves. Unfortunately, this innate desire to win arguments and assert dominance can override our ability to empathize with our partner and find common ground, leading to a cycle of escalating conflict.

But it doesn’t have to, and here’s the good news: often, people with the particular emotional wound that causes them to engage in right fighting tend to choose partners with the same wound. Why is that good? Because if you can both become aware of the issue and actively work against it, you can actually help each other to heal that wound.

Breaking the Right Fighting Cycle

While the impulse to engage in right fighting may be deeply ingrained, it is not insurmountable. There are several strategies that individuals can employ to break free from this destructive pattern and cultivate more constructive approaches to conflict resolution.

Practice Self-Awareness

The first step in overcoming right fighting is to recognize when you are falling into the trap of prioritizing being right over finding resolution. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors during conflicts, and identify any patterns or triggers that contribute to right fighting tendencies.

Shift Your Mindset to Your Partner

Instead of focusing on yourself and how threatened you’re feeling, actively work toward showing your partner that you see and hear them. If they say they told you to pick up milk, repeat this back to them – even if you don’t remember it that way: “You remember telling me to pick up the milk and I didn’t do it.”

What’s the point of this? It shows them that you’re actually listening and acknowledging their point of view. Which, at minimum, avoids escalating the argument, and may even start the work of de-escalating. You could then follow up with something like, “That sounds really frustrating.”

Keep in mind that you’re not agreeing what they said happened, just acknowledging that’s their experience of what occurred and empathizing. Because, in the end, who’s correct isn’t going to change the problem: either way, there’s no milk. So the argument isn’t about solving that – it’s about recognizing and respecting your partner’s feelings. 

When You Show Your Partner You See Them, Right Fights End

Remember, right fighting is about the need to have our thoughts and feelings validated. To have the other person acknowledge that we matter. Being aware of your own feelings and making yourself focus on your partner not only serves to prevent you from engaging in right fighting – it’s likely to knock them out of that heated zone and put both of you back on the right track.

 

Of course, no one is saying it’s easy in the heat of the moment. If you just can’t stop right fighting with your partner, we are here to help. Get in touch to see if we’re a good fit.

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Aged to Perfection: Being Ready for the Stages of Mature Relationships

March 20, 2024

Relationships are like gardens – they require nurturing, patience, and growth. Just as gardens go through different stages of development, so do relationships. 

From the initial spark of attraction to the deep-rooted connection of mature love, each stage brings its own joys, challenges, and opportunities for growth. Being ready for these stages can make the journey smoother and more fulfilling. 

While all mature relationships are different, there are some common issues that most aging couples face. If you have children, your relationship will need to adapt to the changes that arise when they move away, and it is just the two of you again. Even couples without children, though, still have to deal with the impact of retirement, physical and mental complications that can arise with age, and the emotional toll of loss in a variety of ways – whether that means the things already mentioned, the loss of friends and family members, or the realization that your own journey is coming to an end.

Depending on how strong your connection is with your partner, these huge, life-changing circumstances can bring you closer than ever – or push you apart. In this post, we’re going to explore how to be prepared for the stages of a mature relationship so you can take comfort in the fact that you’re going through them together.

The 3 Stages of Every Relationship

We’ve written before about the fact that each relationship consists of three stages: 

  1. Romantic Love
  2. The Power Struggle, and 
  3. Conscious Relationship… or Break Up.

You might think that couples entering into the mature phase of their lives automatically fall into the category of “Conscious Relationship.” After all, if you haven’t reached this yet, wouldn’t you have left each other?

But this isn’t necessarily true. Some older couples may be in newer relationships that place them in the Romantic Love stage. We’re not going to deal much with that in this post – sorry, lovebirds! Remember, this is about mature relationships, not just mature people in relationships.

Even if you discount those couples, though, there are plenty of longtime couples who have stayed together but never quite attained a Conscious Relationship. They are still enduring the Power Struggle stage, and that can mean a bunch of different things.

Some couples experience this like a roller coaster, with extreme relationship highs and lows that, over time, they’ve started to believe are simply part of the ride. But this doesn’t mean they haven’t been worn down by these ups and downs.

Then there are couples who have sort of come to an uneasy truce in their Power Struggle. They haven’t resolved it, but they’ve gotten tired of fighting and learned to co-exist. In many cases, even though these people still love each other, they’ve pulled away in big ways. They may find much of their pleasure and satisfaction in life outside the relationship.

Here’s the problem: navigating the Power Struggle stage is bearable when most other things in your life have a certain stability. This becomes much harder to do when everything is turned upside down. Like, say, when your kids move out. Or you stop working. Or your bodies and minds stop behaving the way they used to, and you really contemplate the end.

If your relationship isn’t strong when you’re going through these changes, there is a much higher chance that it will end in a break up. So, how can you avoid that?

Reopen the Lines of Communication

It’s never too late to build a strong foundation based on trust, communication, and mutual respect. Developing a Conscious Relationship involves being open to vulnerability, actively listening to your partner, and expressing your needs and desires honestly. Invest time and energy into nurturing the connection while allowing space for individual growth and exploration. Cultivate effective communication skills, practice active listening, and be willing to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals when needed.

Embrace Challenges as Opportunities for Growth

No relationship is without its challenges. Whether it's differences in communication styles, external stressors, or conflicts of interest, being ready for the inevitable bumps along the road requires resilience, empathy, and compromise. Learn to approach challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to the relationship. 

Rediscover the Power of Intimacy

As a relationship matures, so does the depth of intimacy shared between partners. Intimacy goes beyond physical attraction. It encompasses emotional connection, vulnerability, and genuine understanding. Cultivate intimacy by engaging in shared experiences, meaningful conversations, and acts of kindness and appreciation. Create space for vulnerability and authentic expression, and prioritize quality time together to nurture the emotional bond.

Keep Putting in the Effort

Mature relationships require ongoing effort, commitment, and adaptability. As individuals evolve and circumstances change, so too must the relationship. Being ready for this stage involves embracing change with an open heart, fostering a growth mindset, and continuously investing in the partnership. Celebrate milestones together, support each other's dreams and aspirations, and never stop exploring new ways to deepen your connection.

Embrace Imperfection

Finally, being ready for the stages of mature relationships means embracing imperfection – both in yourself and your partner. Understand that no relationship is flawless, and there will be moments of struggle, doubt, and vulnerability. What matters most is how you navigate these moments together with empathy, compassion, and a willingness to learn and grow.

Being ready for the stages of mature relationships is an ongoing journey of self-discovery, growth, and mutual exploration. Remember, the most beautiful gardens are those tended with patience, care, and love. Want to get a professional, outside perspective on how you and your partner can attain a Conscious Relationship? Get in touch today!

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New Year, New Relationship Intentions

January 23, 2024

Setting relationship intentions is a great way to work together with your partner to improve your relationship and get closer. One great time to set new intentions is – you guessed it – the New Year! Everyone is already creating New Year’s resolutions – why not do a version of that for your relationship?

Just remember that “intentions” are not the same as “goals.” Intentions are a direction you want to go in to improve your relationship rather than a rigid target you’re trying to hit.

How do you and your partner set these intentions?

Set Aside Time and Make a Plan – Together

Dedicate time to discuss the highs and lows of your relationship over the past year. Reflect on themes like communication, disagreements, quality time, deepening your connection, and intimacy. 

Answer these questions individually and then share your responses. Identify common ground and differences. For shared goals, create a plan to achieve them collaboratively. Address divergent answers with open dialogue, seeking convergence for the year ahead.

Establish Ground Rules for Constructive Dialogue

This means you need to emphasize taking turns, active listening, and staying present. Despite their apparent simplicity, adhering to these rules requires effort, especially when discussing sensitive topics. 

Be generous with each other and frame responses in a way that focuses on shared responsibility. Phrases like "We need" or "We could" foster a sense of teamwork rather than pointing fingers.

Remember This Is a Continuous Process

Significant relationship changes take time. Setting intentions, not rigid goals, acknowledges that behavioral shifts are a continuous process. 

Expect to revisit and adjust your plan periodically. Celebrate successes and discuss areas for improvement. Consider setting smaller resolutions as mile markers, making progress more visible and allowing for a sense of accomplishment along the way.

This is a good thing, because you don’t want your relationship to have a final destination. The only thing “final” is when a relationship ends or you stop trying. In a continually evolving relationship, the ultimate aim should be finding ways to enhance the journey for both partners. 

Let 2024 be a year of intentional growth and continuous improvement in your relationship. And if you discover you need help as you embark on this journey, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

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Simple Tips to Maintain Emotional Intimacy During the Hectic Holiday Season

December 5, 2023

The holiday season is often a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness, when families and friends come together to create lasting memories and strengthen their bonds. 

However, amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations, it can be easy to overlook emotional intimacy, which is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Emotional intimacy is the experience of being known and understood within a safe bond with another person. And it is something that must be intentionally cultivated and protected.  Just because you go to bed and wake up next to someone on a daily basis does not mean that emotional intimacy automatically springs up between you two.

Busyness can work against emotional intimacy when you let understanding between you and your partner dim. You can see how the holidays might really set the stage for that. You’re both running alongside each other, trying to check off all the  event planning and gift buying tasks… And you forget to ask “How are you doing?” 

Being proactive about check-ins can help counteract this strange holiday loneliness. Here are some simple tips to help you maintain emotional intimacy with your partner during the hectic holiday season.

Prioritize Quality Time. With a never-ending to-do list during the holidays, it's crucial to prioritize quality time with your loved ones. Set aside moments for meaningful conversations, shared activities, or simply being present with each other. Whether it's a cozy night by the fireplace or a leisurely walk in the snow, these moments can help you connect on a deeper level.

Communicate Openly. Effective communication is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy. During the holidays, be sure to express your thoughts, feelings, and expectations openly with your loved ones. Listen actively to their concerns and needs, as well. You may need to pay special attention to family-related topics like “How do you feel about your relationships with specific in-laws?” Honest and transparent communication can help prevent misunderstandings and foster emotional closeness between you and your partner, easing the stress of holiday gatherings.

Manage Expectations. The holiday season can come with high expectations of how much fun you should be having or the intensity of positive emotion you should be experiencing – often leading to disappointment when reality falls short. The truth is that the holidays are a mixture of emotions for most people, ranging from restful and joyous to somber, grieving, and bittersweet. It’s a time to slow down and reflect on the year for most people, so that understandably comes with a broad spectrum of emotions beyond “merry” or “happy.”

To maintain emotional intimacy throughout the highs and lows, manage expectations by setting realistic goals for gatherings, gifts, and activities. Embrace imperfection, mishaps, and less-than-merry attitudes as part of the experience. For small hiccups – like the turkey took 2 hours longer to cook than you expected – try to laugh it off and focus on the heart of gathering: the warmth and connection you share with your loved ones.

Create Traditions. Traditions can be a beautiful way to strengthen emotional bonds. Consider establishing new holiday traditions or continuing existing ones that hold special meaning for your family or friends. These rituals can create a sense of belonging, anticipation, and continuity through the years, helping to bring folks closer together in a consistent way.

Self-Care. It’s easy to forget about your own needs during the holiday season. Self-care is essential for maintaining emotional intimacy, because when you're emotionally healthy, you can give more to your relationships. What does self-care look like for you? Prioritize those activities that recharge you, whether it's meditation, exercise, epsom salt baths, or simply taking a quiet moment alone in the midst of gatherings.

Delegate and Share Responsibilities. The stress of holiday preparations can strain relationships, diminishing emotional intimacy. To counteract this, share responsibilities and delegate tasks among family members or friends. This not only lightens the load but also fosters a sense of teamwork and cooperation. You’d be surprised at how much effort people will make to get along when they’re working toward a common goal. This is also a strong pitch for having activities at the ready for gatherings, like party or board games. Some conflict stems simply from a sense of understimulation or boredom. If you’ve been catching up about deeper topics for an hour, it’s okay to take a break and just do something fun.

Put Down the Phone. Or game. Or… In today's digital age, it's easy to get caught up in our devices and distractions. During the holidays, make an effort to be present in the moment. Put away your phone, engage in eye contact, and actively listen when someone is talking. Being fully present is a powerful way to nurture emotional intimacy.

Gratitude, Reflection, and Appreciation. As the holiday season comes to a close, take time to reflect on the memories you’ve created and the emotional connections you’ve strengthened. 

When you’re at gatherings, direct your attention and the attention of your loved ones to voice gratitude for each other and for moments throughout the year. This simple practice can create a positive atmosphere, deepen connections, and remind everyone of the importance of your relationships. Gratitude and reflection can leave a lasting impression and set a positive tone for the year ahead.

As you celebrate this season of togetherness, remember that it's the depth of your emotional bonds that truly makes the holidays special. Focus on the people around you and everyone will feel more connected.

And if you’re struggling to keep the closeness you need as the holiday season approaches, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support. A little help can go along way.

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Fall Apart, Fall Together: How Independence Creates Longer-Lasting Relationships

September 1, 2023

It's often said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. However, when it comes to fostering long-lasting bonds, it's the balance between togetherness and independence that plays a pivotal role. Independence can breathe new life into relationships, but couples still need time together to strengthen their connection to each other.

In this blog, we’re going to explore the “independence” side of that equation, and how embracing “me time” within a partnership can lead to relationships that are not only enduring but also deeply fulfilling.

Why Not All “Us” All the Time? The Myth of Fusion

While being deeply intertwined with a partner might sound romantic, a relationship built on excessive codependency can often lead to its downfall. When individuals lose their sense of self within a partnership, the result is a fusion of identities. 

In the initial stages, this might feel comforting, but as time goes on, it can stifle personal growth and suffocate the relationship. True intimacy doesn't demand the loss of individuality. Rather, it thrives when two people come together while still maintaining their own unique identities.

Embracing Personal Growth

Independence encourages personal growth, and growth is essential for any healthy relationship. When partners have the space to pursue their own passions, interests, and goals, they not only become more fulfilled individuals but also bring fresh experiences and insights to the relationship. 

This matters, because the continuous process of self-discovery keeps conversations engaging and provides a constant source of intrigue. Sharing newfound discoveries with each other sparks conversations that go beyond mundane daily routines, injecting vitality into the relationship.

Respecting Boundaries

An independent mindset goes hand in hand with respecting boundaries. Each person has their own emotional and personal space that needs to be acknowledged and honored. 

Partners who understand the importance of maintaining these boundaries show a higher level of emotional intelligence. They don't feel threatened by their partner's need for solitude or separate interests – instead, they actively encourage it. This, in turn, creates an atmosphere of trust and respect, allowing the relationship to flourish without the fear of smothering or being smothered.

Preventing Burnout

One of the most significant benefits of independence in relationships is the prevention of burnout. Spending every waking moment with a partner can lead to emotional exhaustion and even resentment. 

When partners have their own sources of joy and fulfillment outside the relationship, they bring a refreshed energy when they come back together. The time spent apart acts as a reset button, ensuring that the time spent together is cherished and meaningful.

Shared Experiences, Individual Stories

Let’s be clear: independence doesn't mean exclusion. It simply means that both partners have their own narratives that contribute to the larger story of their relationship. 

When each person continues to evolve independently, they create a wealth of experiences to share with each other. These shared experiences become threads that weave their tale, making it richer and more vibrant. When partners support and celebrate each other's individual growth, they add depth to their shared journey.

In a world where societal norms often romanticize the idea of two people becoming one, the value of independence in relationships cannot be overstated. While togetherness undoubtedly forms the foundation of any partnership, the pillars of independence support it, allowing the relationship to stand tall and thrive. 

Partners who encourage each other to pursue personal passions, maintain healthy boundaries, and embrace growth are more likely to find lasting happiness in their journey together. So let us redefine the way we perceive relationships – not as a loss of self, but as a beautiful union of two individuals who choose to walk side by side, while still carving their own unique paths.

Interested in exploring this idea further or learning how to engage in individual pursuits without your partner feeling left out? Reach out for further advice.

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Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington DE 19803
302-478-4285