Help with Relationships

When to Consider Marriage Counseling

April 22, 2019

Some people see marriage counseling as a sign of defeat or serious relationship problems. But couples don’t need to be coping with an affair or on the verge of a separation to benefit.

Relationship therapy can help strengthen your connection and communication skills at any point. Here are a few times when it can be particularly beneficial.

Upon Reaching Life Milestones

Major life changes, such as the birth of a child, a big move, and retirement, can put a strain on your relationship and present new challenges. Whether you seek the help of a counselor before, during, or after these transitory periods, you can gain tools and skills to overcome new obstacles and embrace new milestones with your partner.

Bad Habits Outside of the Marriage

Problems outside of the relationship may stem from problems inside of the relationship, and vice versa. Sometimes the partner who is struggling to overcome a bad habit, such as drinking or gambling, is already in individual therapy. But it can also be beneficial to talk through the stress and feelings together in couples therapy as well.

Distrust or Thoughts of Cheating

Lack of trust is a sign that couples should attend a therapy session. Counselors offer a safe space where couples can share their feelings and ask questions without judgement. If you feel that you cannot do that at home with your partner, it might be time to bring in a mediator.

This also applies if you start to feel distant from your partner due to thoughts of cheating. Talking to a therapist can help you understand why and work on reconnecting with your spouse. If your partner is reticent or you feel nervous about them being there, you can always attend a session solo to begin the conversation.

Smaller Issues That Won’t Go Away

No issue or problem within your partnership is too small. A professional counselor can help you check in with each other and evaluate your current relationship status and goals. If goals have changed, or problems are just starting to arise, a counselor can help you prepare and stay strong as a couple.

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The Value of Setting Relationship Goals

March 24, 2019

When was the last time that you and your partner set goals for your relationship and your life together?

Setting goals is easy when you are young and falling in love. You create a plan that involves marriage, kids, a home, and so on.

It is exciting to check off those boxes, but before you know it, you may find yourself facing an unknown future. Where do you and your partner go from here?

It’s time for you and your partner to get excited about love and life by setting new relationship goals. New goals give you and your partner a common journey on which you’ll find ways to support each other and create a stronger bond.

So, how do you do it?

How to Create Solid Relationship Goals

Relationship goals are the beginning of a new and exciting journey. Start your journey off right by creating a solid goal that clearly defines how you and your partner will help to strengthen your relationship.

What do good relationship goals look like?

They have three elements:

  • The goal offers opportunity for growth.
  • The goal requires the effort and participation of both parties.
  • The goal creates an end product or recurring event that celebrates your love and partnership.

Productive, effective relationship goals may sound like this:

  • Enjoy a date night at least twice a month.
  • Plan an exotic vacation together.
  • Become a stellar “fixer-upper” team and renovate the vacation home.
  • Attend a workshop or read a book that will spice up your activities in the bedroom.

Relationship goals can be short-term or long-term. They can have a deadline or require you to plan or attend a recurring event. Make these goals relevant to other goals in your life, if possible. When you set your goal, determine when it is time to check in on your progress.

If you need help forming goals or seeing your goals through, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Accomplishing goals can be a challenging journey, no matter what those goals are. Talk to a relationship therapist for more information on how you can set and work toward solid relationship goals.

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How to Foster Mutual Respect in Your Marriage

February 21, 2019

What is the key to a long-lasting, happy marriage?

Chances are you’d say that the cornerstone to any marriage is love.

But while love is – of course! – important, there’s another key ingredient that’s essential to maintaining a loving relationship: respect.

Below, we’ll cover why respect is important in a marriage and how you can communicate with your partner to ensure that both of you feel respected.

Why Respect Is So Important to Maintaining Love

There’s nothing quite like falling in love. It’s a process that happens quite naturally, and often the struggle is not to fall too deeply in love too quickly. However, maintaining that love over the long haul is an active process, requiring the effort of both partners. An important part of that effort means communicating your respect.

If you do not respect your partner – or vice versa – this will impact how you view them and how you treat them. And both of you will feel it. A lack of respect leads to the destruction of love and desire, and the growth of hurt, anger, and disgust.

Most couples believe that they view and treat one another with respect. But what does respect look like in a marriage or long-term relationship? How does each partner show respect? And does your way of showing respect translate to your partner?

Cultivating Respect Requires Communication

Mutual respect is not an element that’s automatically present in romantic relationships – it must be cultivated. This means that respect is a continual process, one that requires communication from both partners.

There’s one simple idea that empowers you to cultivate respect in your relationship, but it can be difficult to execute.

Just three words: ask and tell.

What does that mean? We’re not mind-readers. We have no way of knowing what feels respectful or disrespectful to our partner. Likewise, they don’t know what we find respectful or disrespectful

So, talk about it. Communicate your needs, including what constitutes respect from each of your perspectives. Tell each other when you feel disrespected, so you both know what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn’t.

Because your relationship can’t change for the better if someone doesn’t know they’re doing something unhelpful or hurtful. And when communication breaks down, so does respect… and ultimately, love.

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How Teasing Can Damage Your Connection

January 17, 2019

“Don’t tease your partner.” “Teasing is good for healthy relationships.” “If you can’t take teasing, you’re too thin-skinned.” “If your partner hurts your feelings, he or she is insensitive.”

It can be easy to take advice to the extremes. But the reality of teasing is that there is a line for every couple. And sometime that line changes. Jests that might have been funny 10 or 20 years ago may not be funny now. Your partner’s humor (and your humor!) is allowed to change.

You also may not realize how certain jokes — however well-intentioned — strike a nerve with your partner. And some forms of teasing can feel like you are laughing at your partner, not with your partner. He or she may simply have laughed it off to hide hurt feelings. And those hurt feelings can linger and do big damage over time.

Consider, too, the tone of your teasing. Is it highlighting your partner’s strengths and assets — or weaknesses and flaws? Is it gentle ribbing — or more aggressive taunting? Does it come a little too close to simply being an insult?

In order to understand where “the line” is and what type of teasing is okay, you have to openly communicate with your partner.

How to Check In

If you find yourself fighting with your partner over teasing, start by asking your partner what subjects or comments may cross the line. If this “check in” is the result of a recent argument, ask about why that subject matter is off-limits.

Then listen. Really listen to your partner. They might reveal something that surprises you. You may learn something new about your partner or a particular issue. Even if you don’t agree with your partner, understand that they have a right to their emotions and sense of humor.

Don’t Be Afraid to Speak Up

If your partner’s teasing is bothering you, it doesn’t mean you are “thin-skinned” or can’t take a joke. And it doesn’t mean your partner is mean or insensitive. It just means you need to have a conversation.

You should feel comfortable speaking up — even if you know your partner really didn’t mean to hurt or offend you. Doing so can clear misunderstandings, prevent future arguments, and build a happier, healthier, and stronger connection between you.

If you need help talking about it, consider seeking Delaware counseling. You'll both have a safe, supportive environment to improve your communication and relationship skills.

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Delaware Marriage Counselor Shares New Year’s Resolutions for Your Marriage

December 14, 2018

Delaware Marriage CounselorAs 2018 comes to a close, many people will reflect on their year and make New Year’s resolutions. We all know the big ones: lose weight, quit smoking, and so on.

New Year’s resolutions are a great opportunity to decide on what you want to change, but they are often limited to personal habits. For 2019, try making resolutions with your partner… and work on ways to fall deeper in love.

Here are just a few suggestions from an experience Delaware marriage counselor that you and your partner can use to strengthen your bond and address any issues within your marriage.

Check in. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple, “Are you okay?” to get the conversation going. Do not let unresolved issues or feelings stay hidden. Make a resolution to check in with your partner regularly.

Put down the phone. Once you ask the question, work on listening to the answer. These days, we are often so caught up in our smartphones that we do not see or hear what’s happening in front of us. When you are talking to your partner, put down the phone and stay in the present moment.

Make dinner together. Buy a recipe book and resolve to make each recipe together throughout the year. When you cook with your partner, you can learn new skills and spend quality time communicating. Plus, if your personal resolution is to lose weight, you’ll probably be able to feed two birds with one hand.

Try something new. Take your partner on an adventure with you. Expose yourself to something completely new and grow together. It could be a new meal, a new activity – you name it. The weirder and wackier, the better!

Help each other with your personal resolutions. New Year’s resolutions can be a personal pursuit, but you may get more done as a team. If your partner wants to lose weight, for example, resolve to go to the gym with them a few times a week. If your resolution is to finish your novel, ask your partner to hold you accountable.

Commit to stretching together, and you’ll both enjoy a closer 2019!

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Improving Your Financial Health Can Improve the Health of Your Relationship

November 17, 2018

You’re probably not surprised to learn that money is a top cause of relationship stress.

But you may be under the impression that earning more would solve your issues. After all, with more money, you’d worry less about what you’re spending!

Unfortunately, having more money doesn’t necessarily reduce stress over it. But if that isn’t the answer to reducing friction between partners over finances, what is?

The answer is honesty, communication, and planning.

Talk about your financial practices.

The way people interact with money and feel about it is incredibly personal and individual. It’s tied to how we were brought up.

Maybe you hoard every penny and your partner is a spendthrift, or vice versa. Or you both have issues overspending – or saving every dime and never doing anything fun because of it.

Whatever tendencies you and your partner have, you need to have a conversation about them so both of you know where you stand. An expense that seems unnecessary to you may be important to your partner. Listen to where the other person is coming from.

Work together to come up with a plan.

Financial tension in relationships tends to come from people who act like they’re on two solitary islands, doing whatever they want. Unless you agree to completely keep finances separate, you need to work together.

Sit down and create a budget. Be honest about what money you have and how you’re going to spend it. Come up with joint (and individual) goals, and create a plan that enables you to live within your budget and work toward those goals.

Sacrifice when reason and logic dictate it.

When you’re with someone over the long term, circumstances change over time. There’s a good chance that one or both of you will run into financial struggles at some point related to the loss of a job, medical problems, family needing help, or another unexpected issue.

This is part of the deal you make when you decide to be with someone, and it’s probably going to require sacrifice on both sides until things (hopefully) return to where they were.

Always keep things above-board.

Never lie to your partner about finances. Few things can drive a bigger wedge between couples than dishonesty. Lying about money is often particularly devastating.

Imagine struggling to pay bills only to learn that your spouse has a secret account tucked away. Or wondering where your money is going… and finding out they have a huge debt they didn’t tell you about.

Honesty is always the best policy. And if you’re on the receiving end, remember to practice understanding and kindness when your partner shares unfortunate financial news.

Don't allow yourself to stay stuck with unresolved financial issues. Consider talking with a financial advisor or a Delaware couples therapist to get the ball rolling again.

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Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195