Delaware Relationship Center

Raising children is hard. It is no secret that it can take its toll on any relationship. And it doesn’t get easier when summer vacation ends and you need to convince your kids that an early bedtime is just what they need to prepare for the new school year.

With all the transition and stress that comes with the new school year, it can be easy for you to fight with one another. This is where being on the same page with your partner is crucial, especially since your child could be anxious about the upcoming changes.

So, before you let the back-to-school season strain your relationship, here are some tips that my Delaware relationship therapist clients find helpful to prepare for a stress-free transition.

Establish a Routine

Work together to create a solid routine that you both agree to follow, including times to wake-up and go to sleep, who is preparing breakfast and lunch for the day, and who will be doing the school run each day.

A routine like this, clearly set-out and agreed upon beforehand, will reduce stress each day as each parent will know what to expect and can plan accordingly.

Set Out Clear Goals

Another point of contention can be parents’ expectations for their children’s academic success. It is necessary that you both agree on what you expect from your children at the beginning of each year, so no parent is either pushing too hard or becoming too complacent. Discuss issues such as homework expectations and how to handle poor test scores.

Review Information Together

With the beginning of the school year comes a ton of paperwork outlining everything from important dates to transportation routes. Go through this information together, noting down dates on the calendar and cross-checking your existing commitments. This will keep you both on the same page and prepare you to support your children together.

Expect the Unexpected

Even the best laid plans often go awry! Sometimes your child might be sick during the day, and working parents can find it difficult to find someone to nurse them on the same day. Or you may both need to work overtime on the same day – what then? Have contingency plans in place, so you feel more prepared.

Working together on a back-to-school routine can be time-consuming, but in the end, setting up these routines and plans will lessen stress and tension throughout the busy school year.

Need help communicating effectively and without conflict? Seek the guidance of a Delaware relationship therapist.

You know that your partner has been having a particularly tough time. Work has been crazy. The kids are driving both of you up the wall.

So, you decide to do something nice for them. You spend time at work that week researching a big gift you think they’ll like. After you pick the kids up from school, you head out together to get it.

You’re excited. The kids are excited. But when you give it to your partner, they’re a bit subdued.

And it hurts. You put a lot of time and effort into finding something that would show your appreciation, and they barely seemed to care.

So, against your better judgment, you confront them. You talk about why you did it. About the work you put into it. How much it would have meant to you to have received such a thoughtful gift.

Their response: they do appreciate the time and effort you put in, but presents just don’t mean that much to them. They never have.

Before you lay into your partner even more, take a deep breath and think about what they’re saying. Clearly, getting a big present means something important to you. But just because you put so much meaning on it doesn’t mean that your partner does.

Here’s the more important question: what kinds of things do matter to your partner?

What we’re talking about here is love languages. Different things convey love to different people. And if you want your partner to feel loved, you need to know what says love to him or her.

How Do You Know What (Love) Language Your Partner Speaks?

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five different universal “love languages.” They are:

1. Words of affirmation. Compliments, I love you’s, and other positive verbal interactions really get their love juices flowing. On the flip side, insults and other negative comments won’t be forgotten or forgiven easily.
2. Acts of service. Making life a little bit easier for them shows them how much you care. Increasing their workload frustrates the heck out of them.
3. Are diamonds or a new 70-inch TV their best friend? Then they may feel love by receiving gifts. To be clear, these gifts don’t necessarily have to be big or expensive. Showing you care by getting something is what matters.
4. Quality time. They don’t care what you do, as long as it’s with them. If you skip another activity to show them that you’d rather spend time with them, even better.
5. Physical touch. These people feel love by really feeling Kissing, holding hands, hugging, and other types of physical affection really matter to them.

Most people appreciate many, if not all, of these love languages, but we tend to gravitate toward one of these five more than the others.

Here’s the trap most of us fall into though: we assume that what makes us feel loved is the same thing that will make our partners feel loved. So, if we like being touched, we’ll touch them a lot. If we wish someone would just help us out by getting our car cleaned or taking out the garbage, we’ll engage in those types of acts of service.

Here’s what you should do instead: pay attention to what your partner really seems to appreciate. Try something in each of the five languages and see what works best. Or – better yet – just ask them.

Even if they don’t know exactly, asking will show you really care. And it will get them thinking, not just about how they feel love, but possibly how you feel love, too. And that’s good for both of you.

If you're having trouble talking about it, seek the help of a Delaware marriage therapist, who can help you uncover one another's love language as well as learn other valuable relationship tools and techniques.

Routine can be wonderful. It makes us feel safe and secure. After all, you know what to expect, so what do you have to worry about?

But when you only live in the comfort zone, it can lead to boredom and passivity. There’s less surprise, excitement, and fun. You lose that “spark” that brought you together in the first place.

In short: you can end up in a relationship rut.

So, I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone – together.

You’ll discover new things about yourself and your partner, bringing back the excitement of the early stages of your relationship. You’re getting to know each other all over again.

When you take on fun challenges together, you’ll be more prepared for the unexpected challenges that life throws your way. And the new experiences will strengthen your bond to one another.

Volunteer together. Helps you both release oxytocin, that powerful bonding chemical, so you’ll be experiencing that natural “high” together.

Try new foods. Find a cuisine you’ve never tried. Or select a restaurant totally at random and head out. Another idea: cook a dish you or your partner absolutely love but haven’t made before.

Take a class together. If you’re more academic-minded, you can head to a local community college. Or you can learn a language. Or just pick fun skills – from mixology to ax throwing to photography.

Find a new sport or activity. When is the last time you went for a bike ride? Swimming? Have you ever wanted to learn to dance or do yoga? Embrace a new activity together.

Start a project together. It could be as big as starting your own business (talk about leaving your comfort zone!) or as small as redecorating a room in your house.

Plan a vacation. Select a destination. Determine a budget and plan to save together. Then delve into the details. Get excited about it together.

Go on a staycation. If a big vacation isn’t in the cards for you right now, then make plans to explore your local area. There are hidden gems near you that you can uncover together.

Try something new in bed. If you’ve found yourself in a rut in bed as well, a new position or a new location can help bring back the heat.

Do something on the spur-of-the-moment. Call in sick to work and spend the day in bed. Head out on an unplanned road trip. Just let everything go for a moment and have some fun.