How Your Lost Self Influences Your Relationship

Have you ever wondered why the declaration of love “You complete me” is so powerful?

It is because we all have a Lost Self, a part of ourselves that we have blocked off. If we are fortunate, we can find a partner who helps us reconnect with this Lost Self to feel whole and complete again.

But why do we lose that part of ourselves in the first place?

How You Came to Lose Parts of Yourself

In childhood, we have a high amount of Core Energy within each of us that facilitates our ability to be open and connect with other people. This energy is immediately transferred, given, and received by our mothers, fathers, family members, and other significant individuals in our lives in four ways:

  • Thinking
  • Feeling
  • Sensing
  • Acting

Unfortunately, not all our energy is received in a positive way by others.

Our first experiences with negative responses to our energy usually came from our parents or significant others. They may have scolded us for being loud in the supermarket, making a fuss at home, or not sitting still at our place of worship. They may have told you things like, “You’re not acting like a lady,” “You need to man up,” or “You’re not really sad”.

When we receive these negative messages, we stop allowing ourselves to think, feel, sense, or act in certain ways in order to feel acceptable or keep the “peace”. In the course of our lives, we continue to block or limit this energy.

In effect, we lose a part of ourselves.

When we look for a partner, we often seek a person that is open in the areas where we have closed ourselves off. That is often the cause of conflict that arises. But through this partner, we can also chip away at the blockage that we have created and reveal our Whole and Complete Self.

This can be an uncomfortable process; after all, it requires us to go back and recognize parts of ourselves that were affected by years of negative messages. But this knowledge of our Lost Self can be a motivation to dig deep and embrace the challenge.

When things get tough, remember what you can gain: your Whole and Complete Self! And don’t forget that you can give this gift to your partner as well. The key is to communicate openly and honestly and to support one another’s growth.

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803