Author Archives: Walt Ciecko

Ten Fun Ways to Bond and Celebrate Halloween

October 12, 2017
Delaware Relationship Counselor

Halloween fun isn’t only for children. You and your partner can bond and improve your relationship by celebrating Halloween in these ten creative ways.

1. Bob for apples.

This is an easy, inexpensive way to laugh together, which releases feel-good hormones. Fill a large bowl or bucket with water and take turns dunking your head in to grab an apple with your teeth. The first person who successfully grabs an apple is the winner of a back rub!

2. Carve pumpkins.

Sharing a creative activity, like pumpkin carving, can boost the friendship factor in your relationship. Help one another prep the area and scoop out the seeds. You can toast them in the oven with a little salt and oil for a tasty, healthy snack to enjoy after you work. Once your pumpkins are carved, set them outside and snuggle together on the porch while you admire your handiwork. You can enjoy a cup of hot apple cider together while you bond.

3. Enjoy a nature hike.

Take in autumn’s beauty by hiking through the woods together. Once you reach a picturesque vista, spend a few moments enjoying the view together. Pack a light snack to enjoy, like a trail mix with fall-colored candies thrown in.

4. Go on a scavenger hunt.

Each of you can hide five inexpensive gifts either around the house or outdoors, depending on the weather. Celebrate the fun of surprises by making up clues for your partner, and reward them with their favorite candy or thoughtful trinkets.

5. Look at old photos.

Most of us have photo albums and scrapbooks that we rarely take time to look through. Bring them out of hiding and relive happy memories from past Halloweens while you wait for trick-or-treaters to come to your door. You’ll probably enjoy some laughs together over old hairstyles and costume choices, and you may even rekindle old feelings by reminiscing together.

6. Make sweet treats.

Light a fire in your fire pit and make s’mores. Make caramel apples and roll them in nuts, candies, or cookie bits. Pop some popcorn, then scatter on a cookie sheet and roast with nuts and caramel to make caramel corn. If you like pumpkin-flavored foods, make pumpkin muffins or pumpkin lattes. Whatever your fancy, you can have fun together by making a special Halloween treat to share.

7. Visit a Halloween attraction.

If it’s been a while since you did something silly and fun together, a haunted house might be a great way to make a new memory. Too scary for you? Go to a pumpkin patch or corn maze instead. No matter where you visit, hold hands as you walk around.

8. Tell ghost stories.

Check out a book of ghost stories from the library and read to each other. Better yet, sit by a campfire and make up your own stories while wrapped up in a blanket together.

9. Watch an old movie.

If it’s been a while since you enjoyed an Alfred Hitchcock film, a classic thriller, or a newer horror movie (if that’s your thing), cuddle together on the couch and squeeze each other tight during the scary scenes.

10. Wear a costume to bed…

What is your partner’s fantasy? There’s no shortage of “sexy” costumes on the market. Head down the Halloween costume aisle together and have fun picking one out for each other. Then, on Halloween, put on your costume when you’re along together in the evening and let the sparks fly!

If you need more help putting the fun back into your relationship, check with a Delaware relationship counselor. Help and hope is available for couples like you.

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

8 Ways to Be More Supportive of Your Partner

September 21, 2017

Delaware couples counselorA supportive relationship bolsters the emotional strength and happiness of both partners. Especially when difficulties arrive, it’s important to offer your partner the support they need.

Here are eight ways to show your partner the support they are looking for.

  1. Be trustworthy. If your partner shares his or her heart with you, that’s a valuable gift. Make sure you are trustworthy with your partner’s emotions. If you criticize, dismiss, or mock the feelings they share, they won’t trust you, and barriers may form in your relationship. Also, keep what your partner shares with you private.
  2. Listen well. Be aware of your partner’s feelings. Process what they are saying before you rush to share your thoughts. Try not to judge your partner for how they feel, even if you disagree. When your partner feels heard, they will feel supported.
  3. Use supportive words. When you are in front of others, compliment your partner. Choose to speak with a loving tone. Even if you disagree, express your difference of opinion in a calm, respectful manner. Remember to say the words “I love you” every day. Those three words are powerful means of support.
  4. Offer advice wisely. Sometimes your partner simply wants you to listen without offering advice. Other times they will seek your help in making a decision. Ask your partner before offering advice. If they want to hear your advice, offer it with kindness.
  5. Show love and affection. Physical touch is important for your partner to feel supported. Work in several times per day where you offer non-sexual touches, and you’ll both reap the benefits.
  6. Serve your partner. What jobs or chores does your partner need help with? Think of your partner’s least favorite chore and take it off their hands every so often. Your partner will know that you appreciate them when you acknowledge the services they normally provide.
  7. Give gifts. Gifts don’t have to be expensive to be effective. Pick up your partner’s favorite candy bar or a single flower the next time you’re at the grocery store. A magazine, coffee mug, or new shirt could be just the pick-me-up your partner needs.
  8. Go all-in when times are tough. If your partner is going through an especially difficult time, be their go-to source for support. Learn how your spouse feels loved most from the ways listed above and give them extra support to lift their spirits.

Going through a tough time? Most couples struggle when outside issues are impacting one or both spouses. Consider seeking help from a Delaware couples counselor.

 

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

Why Apologizing Is So Important – and How to Do It Right

August 17, 2017
Delaware therapist says apologizing sincerely is key.

All of us make mistakes, and in romantic relationships, these mistakes often hurt or violate our partners. When we have wronged our partners, the most important thing to do is apologize sincerely as soon as we are able so that you can move forward together as a couple.

Relationship experts agree that apologies are one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. However, an inauthentic apology can do more harm than good, so it is important to apologize sincerely and meaningfully to your partner.

Why an Inauthentic Apology Is Hurtful

Some of us struggle to apologize, usually because we are burdened with the sense of being flawed or deceptive, and feel overwhelmingly ashamed when we address our wrongdoings. This can lead to an inauthentic apology that can actually hurt your partner, making matters worse.

An inauthentic apology can cause your partner to feel as though you don’t really care, and are apologizing simply to preserve your image as the “good one.” This is counterproductive in building a conscious relationship wherein you feel truly connected to your partner.

So how do you make sure that your apology is sincere?

Delaware Therapist Shares the Elements of a Sincere Apology

To apologize sincerely to your partner, you must practice excellent communication and sincerely admit to your wrongdoing. You must also communicate possible ways to repair your wrongdoing, and actively listen to your partner’s feedback on this element.

Make it about more than just words.

A sincere apology is about more than just what you say - it’s about how you say it. Use your body language to truly connect with your partner. Look into your partner’s eyes, and perhaps hold his or her hand while you’re talking. Use a sincere, non-confrontational tone so that he or she understands that you really mean what you’re saying.

Let go of being right.

One word that rarely belongs in any sincere apology is “but.” To sincerely apologize, you must let go of being in the right in the situation. Attempting to preserve your image or being proud can lead to an inauthentic apology that is hurtful to your partner.

It’s actually most effective not to think about who’s right or wrong in the situation. Instead focus on how your actions made your partner feel, and accept responsibility for this.

Usually we feel inwardly ashamed of our actions, and therefore struggle to admit when we are wrong. Addressing this inner shame can be a long term endeavor, but an effective tactic to move past this is to focus not on how you feel, but on how your partner feels.

Offer to repair.

Your partner will be more able to accept your apology if you move forward by discussing how you can make up for your wrongdoing, or how you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. If you truly feel sorry for wronging your partner, this should include the desire not to do it again.

Ask for your partner’s feedback on how you can make up for your wrongdoing and avoid doing it in the future. Actively listen, and do your best not to get defensive, which is typically counterproductive.

Follow these tips, and you’ll be well on your way to repairing a mistake and moving forward. Still struggling? Call a Delaware therapist for help.

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

How to Improve Communication Using a Soft Start

July 1, 2017

When you have a great idea to tell your partner, or you are finally ready to address a conflict and get it out of the way, you may have the urge to pick up the phone or walk into the room where your partner is sitting and strike up the conversation immediately.

However, if your partner was engaged in a different activity when you walked in or called, you may be met with a response that you weren’t expecting. They’re grumpy about it. They roll their eyes. They shut you down.

Ouch. Their response hurts.

But think about it from their perspective for a second. In fact, let’s specifically pretend that you’re in their position:

You’re in the middle of a big project at work. The words are flying, the ideas are churning, and you’ve found the motivation you’ve been looking for all week. It’s great.

And then your spouse bursts into the room and starts talking about an idea that is completely off-topic, throwing you off your game. You’d feel kind of frustrated, right?

When we begin to communicate with our partner, we bring in a certain type of energy. And if that energy doesn’t match our partner’s energy, or the conversation throws our partner off, a conflict has been created.

So instead of bursting into a room or immediately diving into a dialogue, begin your communication using a “soft start.” What does that mean?

What a Soft Start Looks Like

Let’s go back to the first example.

You have a really great idea for your partner and you want to tell them. But they’re working in the next room. So you seek them out, but instead of just jumping in, you feel them out. You say, “Is this a good time to talk?” Or: “I have an idea. Can I share it with you right now?”

This allows your partner to be honest and give you a look into their energy and what they are doing. If your partner is not able to talk, respect their time. You can always ask, “When is a better time to talk?” or offer to let them be until they are finished with the task at hand.

Giving them this time will require some patience, but ultimately creates a more suitable environment for a conversation. When your partner is ready to communicate, they will be able to participate more enthusiastically.

If You Are Approached by Your Partner

Let’s flip the table once again.

You’re working or concentrating on a task and your partner approaches you with a conversation. Understand that they are excited, and it may have taken a lot of effort to finally come forward and share their ideas with you.

Be honest, but be kind. Tell your partner that now is not a good time to talk. Creating this boundary fosters more self-respect in your relationship – you should only have an intentional dialogue when you are ready.

Offer an alternative time to talk to your partner. Stick to that time, and prepare yourself for communication when you are finally ready to talk.

Want to learn more about the first steps of having an intentional dialogue? Reach out to a Delaware relationship therapist who specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy.

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

Are You a Tiger or Turtle?

June 1, 2017

Delaware relationship counselorThink of the last conflict you had with your partner. How did each of you approach the issue? Was one partner aggressive? Did one of you retreat and remain silent until the issue was brought to light? Did both partners act a certain way?

Imago classifies the way we approach a conflict in one of two ways: you are either a “Tiger” or a “Turtle.”

What Is a “Tiger?”

You may have already guessed what these terms are referring to. Tigers are more aggressive when approaching a conflict. They may seem forceful, and get upset if a partner is not appearing to participate in a discussion or solving the conflict. The tiger is more likely to yell or be expressive when they are communicating their feelings.

What Is a “Turtle?”

Turtles take a completely different approach. The turtle tends to focus inward in order to solve a problem. They may think that the conflict will be solved over time, or that they can solve the problem independently. Turtles may feel uncomfortable or caught off-guard if they are approached by a “tiger” personality.

Ask yourself: are you a tiger or a turtle? Is your spouse a tiger or a turtle?

Knowing Your Personality Can Help You Solve a Conflict

Recognizing how you and your spouse approach conflict will help you approach your next one more effectively.

You may have to adjust the way you initiate the conversation:

For tigers with a turtle partner, you may want to approach a conflict by saying, “I would like to talk to you about something that is on my mind. Is this a good time to talk?” or “I noticed that you seem a little stressed. Is there something you would like to talk to me about?”

These questions give a turtle time to collect their thoughts, while communicating that they would like to address the issue and find a couple’s answer together.

For a turtle with a tiger partner, recognizing a conflict and initiating the conversation may be the hardest part. The key to talking to a tiger is to be honest with your intentions. A turtle may tell their tiger, “I am currently working through some emotions regarding ‘x.’ I need some time to process what I am feeling, but I will come to you when I am ready.”

This tells the tiger, whose immediate desire may be to work through the conflict then and there, that the conflict will be addressed at a later time.

Want to learn more about how to approach a conflict with intentional dialogue? Reach out to a Delaware relationship counselor.

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

Better Communication with Your Spouse: Sender/Receiver Responsibilities

April 1, 2017

Imago relationship counselorDid you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? Even if your words are gentle and positive, your tone and body language may tell your partner a different story.

Think about your stance during a difficult talk with your partner. Who stands, and who sits? Do you point, fidget, or frequently break eye contact? How are your hands and legs placed during the conversation?

All these little things can have a big impact on what your partner takes away from the conversation. To have a more successful dialogue with your partner, be aware of your sender and receiver responsibilities.

Sender and Receiver Responsibilities

Start by sitting down across from your partner. Your eyes should be at the same level.

Your arms should be by your side with your legs uncrossed. Crossed arms or legs tell your partner you’re defensive, guarded, or unwilling to participate.

When you start to speak, identify who is the Sender and who is the Receiver. Each role has different responsibilities and behaviors that contribute to a successful conversation.

The Sender is the person talking. The Sender’s responsibilities include:

  • Asking the Receiver’s permission to begin the dialogue. If the Receiver is not ready to take on the responsibilities, then you should respect their honesty. Wait for the appropriate time to talk.
  • Focusing on one topic.
  • Keeping statements concise. You shouldn’t monopolize the conversation.
  • Speaking softly.
  • Refraining from “You” statements. Statements like “You always…” or “You never…” communicate blame. “I” statements focus on how the Sender feels about the Receiver’s actions, without making any judgments about why they are being performed.
  • Recognizing the positive aspects of the Receiver’s comprehension.
  • Breathing and regulating their own emotions.

The Receiver is the person listening. The Receiver’s responsibilities include:

  • Accepting the Sender’s invitation to talk in a timely manner. Identify when you are ready to engage in dialogue.
  • Staying calm. Be present throughout the dialogue.
  • Putting away your own world view temporarily. Enter the Sender’s world.
  • Responding and summarizing. Mirror the Sender’s words.
  • Confirming that their summary and response reflects the Sender’s message.
  • Validating the Sender’s feelings and reason for dialogue.
  • Empathizing with the Sender.

Ready to Start Using the Imago Dialogue?

This form of communication is called the Imago Dialogue. It assures the Sender is heard and the Receiver feels safe, comfortable, and open throughout the conversation. The more you practice, the more natural this type of communication will feel.

Want to learn more about the Imago Dialogue and positive communication? Talk to an Imago relationship counselor today.

 

Continue reading...
Published in Help with Relationships

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195