Why Boundaries Are Important for a Happy Relationship

July 18, 2017

relationship coach in DelawareWhen you are in a romantic relationship with someone, it can sometimes feel like you share everything. This is especially true for couples who have been together for years or live together. “Yours” and “mine” falls away and merges together into “ours.”

This may seem like a good thing. And in many ways, it is. Sharing your lives and yourselves helps bind you together and forge a strong bond.

That being said, if you don’t set up any boundaries with your partner, things can turn sour. As strange as it may seem, one of the best ways to maintain your long-term happiness with each other is to set clear boundaries about the things that are important to you.

Think about it like this. You are responsible for your:

  • Body
  • Words
  • Emotions
  • Attitudes
  • Values
  • Preferences

In other words, your partner shouldn’t try to make you do or feel anything that is contrary to your nature. It is your right to disagree. Your right to say no.

Those are just some examples of boundaries that are universal – everyone also has their own unique, personal boundaries.

Why is it so important to have boundaries?

They stop the blame game. If you or your partner don’t know where each other’s boundary lines are, it is a given that you will end up crossing them. This may very well happen even with boundaries in place, but this is better situation to be in.

Why? Because when clear boundaries are set, the transgressor bears responsibility for violating those boundaries. But if they didn’t know they were crossing a boundary, who is to blame? Obviously, you don’t want to focus on blaming each other, but with no set boundaries, that is often what happens.

Boundaries make blame a non-issue by clarifying things.

They help you honor yourself. When people don’t set up clear boundaries related to the things they care about, it’s all too easy to give in to the desires of others and live your life for their needs. This can cause resentment, frustration, or even sneaking around and lying to meet your needs.

But if you don’t adequately communicate your boundaries and stick to them, it’s hard to honestly blame the other person for “taking advantage of you.” Know how far you’re willing to go, and if you have various “lines in the sand,” make sure your partner knows what they are and does not cross them.

They put you in control of yourself. When you set boundaries, it is a way of taking control. In terms of your own life, you are empowered.

People who create clear boundaries with their partners often feel more confident, satisfied, and happy – both in their life with their partner and in the parts of their life that do not involve them.

Bottom line? Think about where your boundaries are. Then be honest about them with your partner. And while you’re at it, encourage them to set boundaries, too. The most happy, successful relationships are the ones where both partners treat each other with love and respect.

If you are having trouble establishing, consider seeking the help of a relationship coach in Delaware.

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Published in Help with Relationships

How to Improve Communication Using a Soft Start

July 1, 2017

When you have a great idea to tell your partner, or you are finally ready to address a conflict and get it out of the way, you may have the urge to pick up the phone or walk into the room where your partner is sitting and strike up the conversation immediately.

However, if your partner was engaged in a different activity when you walked in or called, you may be met with a response that you weren’t expecting. They’re grumpy about it. They roll their eyes. They shut you down.

Ouch. Their response hurts.

But think about it from their perspective for a second. In fact, let’s specifically pretend that you’re in their position:

You’re in the middle of a big project at work. The words are flying, the ideas are churning, and you’ve found the motivation you’ve been looking for all week. It’s great.

And then your spouse bursts into the room and starts talking about an idea that is completely off-topic, throwing you off your game. You’d feel kind of frustrated, right?

When we begin to communicate with our partner, we bring in a certain type of energy. And if that energy doesn’t match our partner’s energy, or the conversation throws our partner off, a conflict has been created.

So instead of bursting into a room or immediately diving into a dialogue, begin your communication using a “soft start.” What does that mean?

What a Soft Start Looks Like

Let’s go back to the first example.

You have a really great idea for your partner and you want to tell them. But they’re working in the next room. So you seek them out, but instead of just jumping in, you feel them out. You say, “Is this a good time to talk?” Or: “I have an idea. Can I share it with you right now?”

This allows your partner to be honest and give you a look into their energy and what they are doing. If your partner is not able to talk, respect their time. You can always ask, “When is a better time to talk?” or offer to let them be until they are finished with the task at hand.

Giving them this time will require some patience, but ultimately creates a more suitable environment for a conversation. When your partner is ready to communicate, they will be able to participate more enthusiastically.

If You Are Approached by Your Partner

Let’s flip the table once again.

You’re working or concentrating on a task and your partner approaches you with a conversation. Understand that they are excited, and it may have taken a lot of effort to finally come forward and share their ideas with you.

Be honest, but be kind. Tell your partner that now is not a good time to talk. Creating this boundary fosters more self-respect in your relationship – you should only have an intentional dialogue when you are ready.

Offer an alternative time to talk to your partner. Stick to that time, and prepare yourself for communication when you are finally ready to talk.

Want to learn more about the first steps of having an intentional dialogue? Reach out to a Delaware relationship therapist who specializes in Imago Relationship Therapy.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Are You a Tiger or Turtle?

June 1, 2017

Delaware relationship counselorThink of the last conflict you had with your partner. How did each of you approach the issue? Was one partner aggressive? Did one of you retreat and remain silent until the issue was brought to light? Did both partners act a certain way?

Imago classifies the way we approach a conflict in one of two ways: you are either a “Tiger” or a “Turtle.”

What Is a “Tiger?”

You may have already guessed what these terms are referring to. Tigers are more aggressive when approaching a conflict. They may seem forceful, and get upset if a partner is not appearing to participate in a discussion or solving the conflict. The tiger is more likely to yell or be expressive when they are communicating their feelings.

What Is a “Turtle?”

Turtles take a completely different approach. The turtle tends to focus inward in order to solve a problem. They may think that the conflict will be solved over time, or that they can solve the problem independently. Turtles may feel uncomfortable or caught off-guard if they are approached by a “tiger” personality.

Ask yourself: are you a tiger or a turtle? Is your spouse a tiger or a turtle?

Knowing Your Personality Can Help You Solve a Conflict

Recognizing how you and your spouse approach conflict will help you approach your next one more effectively.

You may have to adjust the way you initiate the conversation:

For tigers with a turtle partner, you may want to approach a conflict by saying, “I would like to talk to you about something that is on my mind. Is this a good time to talk?” or “I noticed that you seem a little stressed. Is there something you would like to talk to me about?”

These questions give a turtle time to collect their thoughts, while communicating that they would like to address the issue and find a couple’s answer together.

For a turtle with a tiger partner, recognizing a conflict and initiating the conversation may be the hardest part. The key to talking to a tiger is to be honest with your intentions. A turtle may tell their tiger, “I am currently working through some emotions regarding ‘x.’ I need some time to process what I am feeling, but I will come to you when I am ready.”

This tells the tiger, whose immediate desire may be to work through the conflict then and there, that the conflict will be addressed at a later time.

Want to learn more about how to approach a conflict with intentional dialogue? Reach out to a Delaware relationship counselor.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Better Communication with Your Spouse: Sender/Receiver Responsibilities

April 1, 2017

Imago relationship counselorDid you know that only 7% of communication is verbal? Even if your words are gentle and positive, your tone and body language may tell your partner a different story.

Think about your stance during a difficult talk with your partner. Who stands, and who sits? Do you point, fidget, or frequently break eye contact? How are your hands and legs placed during the conversation?

All these little things can have a big impact on what your partner takes away from the conversation. To have a more successful dialogue with your partner, be aware of your sender and receiver responsibilities.

Sender and Receiver Responsibilities

Start by sitting down across from your partner. Your eyes should be at the same level.

Your arms should be by your side with your legs uncrossed. Crossed arms or legs tell your partner you’re defensive, guarded, or unwilling to participate.

When you start to speak, identify who is the Sender and who is the Receiver. Each role has different responsibilities and behaviors that contribute to a successful conversation.

The Sender is the person talking. The Sender’s responsibilities include:

  • Asking the Receiver’s permission to begin the dialogue. If the Receiver is not ready to take on the responsibilities, then you should respect their honesty. Wait for the appropriate time to talk.
  • Focusing on one topic.
  • Keeping statements concise. You shouldn’t monopolize the conversation.
  • Speaking softly.
  • Refraining from “You” statements. Statements like “You always…” or “You never…” communicate blame. “I” statements focus on how the Sender feels about the Receiver’s actions, without making any judgments about why they are being performed.
  • Recognizing the positive aspects of the Receiver’s comprehension.
  • Breathing and regulating their own emotions.

The Receiver is the person listening. The Receiver’s responsibilities include:

  • Accepting the Sender’s invitation to talk in a timely manner. Identify when you are ready to engage in dialogue.
  • Staying calm. Be present throughout the dialogue.
  • Putting away your own world view temporarily. Enter the Sender’s world.
  • Responding and summarizing. Mirror the Sender’s words.
  • Confirming that their summary and response reflects the Sender’s message.
  • Validating the Sender’s feelings and reason for dialogue.
  • Empathizing with the Sender.

Ready to Start Using the Imago Dialogue?

This form of communication is called the Imago Dialogue. It assures the Sender is heard and the Receiver feels safe, comfortable, and open throughout the conversation. The more you practice, the more natural this type of communication will feel.

Want to learn more about the Imago Dialogue and positive communication? Talk to an Imago relationship counselor today.

 

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Published in Help with Relationships

5 Ways to Spring Clean Your Relationship

March 1, 2017
Delaware relationship counselor

Spring cleaning is a great way to freshen up your house.

You get to remove clutter that’s been making your home harder to navigate. Take care of stains and (ugh!) smells that have been lingering throughout the colder months. And maybe even make a few bucks to do something fun if you post unwanted items on Craigslist or have a garage sale. After spring cleaning, your home can feel like a new, better, more welcoming place to live.

Well, guess what? You can use the exact same principles of spring cleaning in other areas of your life. For example, your relationship.

How do you do this? Here’s a few tips:

Out With the Old.

We donate or throw away bags and bags of clothing or items that we don’t need when we do our big spring cleaning. Use this time to get rid of “junk” in your relationship, too! Bad habits? Start working on them! Old arguments that are still lingering? Time to kiss, make up, and move on. Having trouble doing that? Use this time to work on the communication skills necessary to not only solve current problems, but prevent future ones.

Do You Need It?

Along the lines of “tossing out things you don’t need,” look at the various commitments in your own life. You probably had perfectly good reasons for making those commitments at the time, but do those reasons still hold up now? If not, consider dropping them. Especially if they are causing any friction in your relationship.

While you’re doing that, use this time to sit down together and revisit your commitments to each other. Are there things that you could be doing better? Have new needs or desires arisen?

Clean Together

I mean it – actually clean. And while you’re taking the time to do your spring cleaning, talk about how you can both contribute to a welcoming, happy home. You and your partner are making this home together both literally and figuratively. What kind of home, or setting, do you want for your relationship this year?

As a nice little bonus, it will hopefully minimize the number of times your partner asks, “Honey, have you seen….”

Get Out in the Community

Shed your coat and take a walk to the nearest farmer’s market – you might just see a few of your neighbors. More people are out in the community during warmer weather, so use this time to reconnect and get in touch with the people around you.

What events or fundraisers can your partner and you attend this spring? What organizations need volunteers for the season? What event can you host? Getting out in the community not only gives you and your partner an excuse to get out of the house, it can also give you a new hobby or great date ideas!

Run, Don’t Walk!

Before you know it, you’ll have to break out your bathing suit. So shed any extra pounds you accumulated over the winter by taking a hike or a jog together in the beautiful weather. Your endorphins will get pumping, you’ll look fit, you’ll feel healthy, and you’ll find that you have more energy.

And by doing it together, you’ll be able to reconnect with your partner – and you might even find that you’re encouraged to do something with all that extra energy you both have when you return home.

Start Something New

Getting new living room furniture or bathroom tiling for the spring season? It feels good to see something new and fresh in your home, right? Transfer this idea over to your relationship.

Add something new to your routine. It could be a class, a new restaurant for date nights – even something as seemingly small as a new television show. Adding new and interesting things to your relationship will give you the ability to see your relationship (and your partner) from a fresh perspective.

Want more ways to spring clean your relationship? Contact a Delaware relationship counselor.

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Published in Help with Relationships

How to Take the Pressure Off Valentine’s Day

February 1, 2017

Delaware Relationship CounselorValentine’s Day ads are everywhere. Sweet perfumes. Chocolates. And, of course, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds.

It can be overwhelming. You may feel a lot of pressure to go all out. To make it perfect.

As a relationship counselor, I have news for you: you don’t have to go all-out on Valentine’s Day. In fact, it shouldn’t be your eggs-in-one-basket day of romance any year, but this year, in particular, you should cut yourself some slack.

After all, this Valentine’s Day is on a Tuesday. It’s harder to hire a babysitter for a romantic night out on the town, and most likely, you’ve both got to get up early the next day anyway.

That isn’t to say that you should cancel your Valentine’s Day reservations or skip gifts this year. The holiday is a wonderful opportunity to do something extra special for your relationship.

But trying to make the day “perfect” or creating a huge build-up in expectations is only going to serve to make things more stressful – the last thing you want when trying to express your love and create a romantic atmosphere.

So how can you relieve some of the pressure?

Start early.

Just because the “main event” of your Valentine’s Day is in the evening doesn’t mean you need to wait until then to get started. Offer compliments and appreciation as soon as you wake up. Tell them a massage is coming at the end of the night. Send flowers to their office during the day.

Basically, offer little gestures throughout the day. It will not only take the pressure off of your big plans, but also help you to set an example for celebrating your love every day of the year.

Communicate with your spouse.

Be upfront if you are feeling pressured to plan a big surprise for Valentine’s Day. Most likely, your spouse will understand your desire to have a low-key night at home.

But if you are not communicating beforehand, there might be some awkward tension on Valentine’s Day about what you do or don’t have planned. If you don’t have any surprises planned, don’t make that a surprise.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day throughout the year.

Sometimes, one partner expects more from Valentine’s Day than the other. And we should be encouraged to celebrate our relationship and the love that we share with our spouses or partners. But these celebrations do not have to be limited to one single day.

If you decide not to fuss over Valentine’s Day this year, but your partner still loves to celebrate the holiday, come up with a couple’s answer for how and when you celebrate your love.

Do you want to reschedule to the following Saturday? (All of the candy will be on sale!) Do you want to make a promise to have a date night once a month in 2017, thereby spreading Valentine’s Day over 12 days throughout the year? Or what about just picking a day at random that works for you both?

Remember: it’s not the specific date that matters; it’s the act of making time and effort to show your love for one another.

Need more advice on how you can celebrate your love every day? Contact a Delaware relationship counselor.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195