Help with Relationships

Delaware Counselor: Myths that Interfere with True Relationship Building

March 15, 2016

delware relationship counselor relationship mythsBeing in a relationship can be wonderful. But it also requires work and effort from both partners in order to continue to grow closer and keep the relationship strong.

Unfortunately, when we enter into a relationship, we don’t always know or realize how much work it actually takes. That part is rarely shown in movies or TV shows. We tend to only see the romanticized parts, and we come into our own relationships with preconceived notions and even myths about what a couple is supposed to look like.

Unfortunately, these myths can interfere with true relationship building and leave you stuck with the idea of what a relationship should be instead of the reality of what a relationship is.

So let’s take a look at 3 common relationship myths and turn them on their head.

Myth #1: If you’re with the right person, everything will come easy.

That sounds great, but it isn’t true. Even with people you love unconditionally, there will be challenges in your relationship that you will have to work through. Some things won’t be easy. You will have to put forth the effort to deal with issues as they arise and communicate openly and honestly with your partner if you want to find a couple’s answer to your problems. There will be struggles, but that’s perfectly normal.

If, however, everything is a struggle with your partner, then there might be some fundamental issues with your relationship that you need to address. But even then, you can still have a successful, long term relationship as long as both of you are willing to put forth the effort.

Myth #2: All you need is love.

While this is great in theory, relationships are more complicated than this platitude suggests. Of course love is vital to a relationship. Without it, there isn’t really a relationship at all. But it’s not the only thing necessary to make a relationship work.

In fact, it’s all the other stuff – finances, lifestyle, beliefs, interests, and so on – that will usually make or break a relationship. What love can do is motivate you to work on your issues and forge a relationship based on communication, kindness, and mutual respect and understanding.

Myth #3: Couples in good relationships don’t fight.

You and your partner aren’t always going to get along swimmingly. You’re going to disagree and argue over things both little and big that come up throughout your relationship. It’s just what happens when people are together over time.

That being said, how you handle conflict can be very telling. If every time you and your partner disagree, it always ends up with yelling and stomping out of a room, then you’re not handling the conflict in a productive way. Productive conflict happens when you and your partner communicate, problem solve, make resolutions, and form a couple’s answer to your problems.

Good couples fight. They just do so in a way that’s productive to the relationship.

And just to be crystal clear, avoiding a fight doesn’t appease the situation. If you are constantly avoiding having an argument with your partner, you’re not dealing with the issue at hand. Over time, these issues will continue to be brought to the surface until you confront them.

When you’re in a relationship, you want to make sure that you are always building and growing that relationship to deepen and strengthen your connection. By doing this and forgetting about these relationship myths, you’ll be well on your way to having a happy, healthy, and long-lasting relationship.

Contact a Delaware relationship counselor if you and your partner need help combatting these myths and getting your relationship back on track.

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Delaware Relationship Counselor: Try Something New Valentine’s Day

February 12, 2016

For many couples, Valentine’s Day is an obligatory holiday. Whenever February 14th comes around, it’s a lot of the same. Flowers? Check. Chocolate? Check. Dinner reservations at a romantic restaurant? Check.

While this may be enjoyable for some, other couples are tired of the same old, predictable Valentine’s Day routine. In fact, recent research by Durex shows that 49% of surveyed couples have never looked forward to Valentine’s Day and 43% of couples want to cut the clichés and do something different.

With billions of dollars being spent on chocolate, candy, flowers, jewelry, cards, and anything with a heart on it, it’s easy to see that the true meaning of Valentine’s Day has been lost in a sea of commerciality. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. It’s supposed to be a day where couples show their love for one another in unique and thoughtful ways. So instead of falling back on the usual, why not try something new this year?

Here are 3 ideas for couples who want to do something different with their valentine on February 14th. Something that will revive your relationship and bring a little excitement, spontaneity, attraction, and – of course – romance back into the mix!

  1. Do something that you keep talking about doing but have yet to actually do. This happens all the time in long-term relationships. We have all of these great ideas for activities or trips, but never actually do them. For Valentine’s Day this year, pick one of the many things you want to do – then do it. Have you been talking about going camping? Find the nearest place to pitch a tent and grab a sleeping bag and the ingredients for s’mores. Do you keep saying the two of you should get a couples’ massage? Call a local spa and set up an appointment. The key here is to decide on an activity and follow through with a plan.
  1. Make your partner a gift instead of buying one. When it comes to Valentine’s Day gifts, people often go overboard when there’s no need. The holidays have just passed and your partner probably already has everything he or she needs. So why not decide, as a couple, to make each other a gift instead of spending money. Doing this encourages you to be creative and think outside the box. Draw a comic about your relationship. Cook something with the food you already have in the house. Make a romantic playlist. Write your partner a love letter. The possibilities are endless!
  1. Do something active. Use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to do something active with your partner. Not only will you feel great after, you’ll also have experienced a new adventure together that will bring you closer together. Sign up for a Valentine’s Day race. Go for a secluded hike. Take a dance class. Go ice skating. Fly a heart-shaped kite at a park. Do something that gets your heart racing and you’ll remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Valentine’s Day should give you and your partner the chance to try something new and express your love in a different way. We love our partner every day of the year, so why not do something special this year that you’ll be able to remember forever? And maybe you’ll create a new Valentine’s Day tradition in the process.

If you and your partner are stuck in a Valentine’s Day rut and need some help, contact a Delaware relationship counselor today to get your relationship back on track.

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Delaware Marriage Counselor: 5 Ways to Renew Your Relationship in the New Year

January 25, 2016

A new year provides you with an opportunity to start off on the right foot in every aspect of our life, including your relationship.

By reflecting on your relationship at the start of 2016, you can see if there are ways to improve your connection and make it the best it can possibly be. Work to let go of any mistakes and problems from last year. Give one another a fresh start!

Here are 5 tips to renew your relationship in the New Year.

  1. Talk to your partner more. Communication is necessary for any relationship to work. Couples who talk with their partners often are more satisfied with their overall relationships.But finding time to communicate and really talk to your partner can be hard with our busy schedules. That’s why you have to prioritize and make time to talk.
  2. Show your appreciation. It can be really easy to take things for granted in a long-term relationship. You might be so grateful that your partner makes you a cup of coffee in the morning, washes the dishes every evening, or takes out the trash on Mondays. But do you ever share that appreciation?Even if your partner is doing something that he or she always does, tell them how much you appreciate their actions. Not only will it make your partner feel good, but it will also let them know the things they do matter.
  3. Try something new. If you feel bored with your relationship, it might just be that you’re stuck in a predictable routine. Doing something different can renew feelings of passion, excitement, and fun.Try shaking up your routine by doing something new with your partner. You could take a cooking class, go kayaking, take a road trip, or do anything you want as long as you’re doing it together.
  4. Be more patient. Overreacting to insignificant things can cause tension and aggravate a situation. And much of the time, it simply isn’t necessary.Make a commitment to take a step back before jumping to anger or frustration and see if it’s even worth that reaction. Sometimes we just need to say, “What’s done is done,” and laugh about it or try to talk about it in a more measured manner.
  5. Put down your phone. Your phone is a distraction. Whether you’re using it to email, text, check the sports score, or browse the news, it’s taking your attention away from your partner.The easiest solution to correct this problem is to simply put your phone down. When you’re spending time with your partner, make the choice to be present in that moment and ignore any distractions that take you out of that moment. Your partner will be happy that you did.

Make your relationship a priority in 2016 by putting forth the work and effort necessary to make your relationship better, stronger, and happier. Share these tips with your partner so that, together, you can renew your relationship and make it thrive this year!

If you need more help, set a regular time to talk to a Delaware marriage counselor. Making a commitment to focusing on one another this year is the best resolution you can make.

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Delaware Marriage Therapy: Tips for Handling Holiday Relationship Stress

December 16, 2015
Fireplace

The stressful holiday season can put a strain on all your relationships—familial and romantic.

But couples have added stresses. Between travelling long distances, visiting each other’s families, wading through crowded shopping malls, and the like, there’s a lot of opportunity for things to get heated between you and your partner.

Luckily, there a number of ways that you can effectively diffuse the tension of the holiday, helping you make it to the New Year with your spirt, sanity, and relationship intact. Here a few ways for you and your partner to get the most out of the holidays while keeping a lid on the seasonal stress.

Create a Game Plan

It’s a good idea to go over a game plan with your spouse or partner before the holidays begin. Bring up any concerns or obligations that you have for the impending holidays, and flesh out a game plan for tackling the bigger challenges you face this year.

The advantage of planning ahead is two-fold. First, you will be better prepared in general for the big holiday monsters like family visits and travel. Second, bringing up major concerns beforehand helps start a working dialogue between you and your partner—making the two of you better able to communicate whenever unexpected sources of tension occur.

Take a Non-Holiday Break

Holidays, by the very definition of the word, are supposed to be a break from work – yet they can be the most stressful time of the year.

So take a vacation from your vacation, and spend some time with your partner doing non-holiday activities. When you focus too much on impending travel, shopping, dinners, and the like, you’re liable to lose the perspective that helps you stay sane during the holidays.

A non-holiday date can provide a welcome relief from the rushing around of the season, and allow the two of you to spend some time focusing on your relationship. Do something wholly unrelated to the holiday—like going to a museum or a movie. Take some time to relax and avoid talking about all the things on your to-do list.

Remember What Is Important

Of course, the people closest to us are often the best at getting on our last nerve. This fact is rarely ever as apparent as during the stressful holiday season.

But before you allow anger to bubble over into something you’ll regret, remember to be grateful that you have someone to spend the holidays with—even if he or she is driving you a little crazy.

During the holiday season, it’s important to keep perspective on what actually matters most. Though it can be stressful to spend time with in-laws, or wade through the throngs of black holiday shoppers, remember why you do it.

For example, visiting in-laws may be stressful—but to your partner, it may be the only time he or she will get to spend with family all year. Shopping might be tense, but keep in mind the goal is to remind the people you love how much you care about them.

If you and your partner find yourselves at wit’s end with each other, don’t despair – Delaware marriage therapy can help by providing you with the tools you need to get back on track.

 

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A Delaware Psychologist Shares 4 Ways to Show Your Partner Gratitude

December 2, 2015

 

A couple gently embrace as the sun sets

One of the key elements of every healthy relationship is appreciation. Especially in a long-term relationship, it is all too easy to take our partners for granted, forgetting the tremendous positive impact they have on our lives.

Of course, we all feel appreciation for our romantic partners. But can your partner feel that appreciation? All too often, the answer is no.

Luckily, you can change this. Even simply saying, “I appreciate you” or “Thank you, that means a lot to me” can do a world of good for your romantic relationship. Often, though, the best way to convey sincere gratitude is through your actions.

With that in mind, here are four unique ways you can let your partner know you appreciate them.

  1. Tell Your Family and Friends

Speak highly of your partner to family and friends, and let them know how happy you are to be with him or her. You will be surprised how quickly your words of appreciation find their way back to your partner.

Though direct appreciation is always welcome, it’s wonderful to hear that someone is speaking well of us when we aren’t around.

  1. Spend Time Reminiscing Together

Take your partner on a date to a restaurant or coffee shop. While you’re there, surprise them with photographs of your best memories together. If you don’t have any pictures, take them to a special place in your shared history—like the restaurant where you had your first date, or the park where you first kissed.

The important thing is to get the nostalgia ball rolling. As you reminisce together, use the opportunity to express any appreciative thoughts you might have missed the first time around. You might say something like, “I never told you, but I felt so happy to be with you at that moment.”

  1. Ease their Stressful Schedule

When your partner is overwhelmed with work or other obligations, you can show your appreciation by running some errands for them or doing chores your partner normally takes care of. When we’re stressed, a moment to relax and unwind can be the best gift of all.

  1. Cross Something off Your “Relationship Bucket List”

Most couples have a few plans that they always talk about, but never follow through on—a sort of “relationship bucket list.” Maybe there’s a restaurant you always talk about trying, or a day trip that never ends up happening.

Surprise your partner by planning an item on this list. This lets them know that you value shared experiences with them. It also lets your partner know want your relationship to continue to grow in new, exciting ways.

Even the happiest, most appreciative relationships have room to grow. A Delaware psychologist can help. Deepen the connection between you and your partner by attending one of my workshops, seminars, or therapy sessions.

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Delaware Relationship Counselor Shares 3 Common Relationship Scares

October 20, 2015

Relationship Scares - Couple Scared - Delaware Relationship CounselorThe air is growing crisper, the jack-o-lanterns are popping up on front stoops, and candy corn is on sale—Halloween is upon us! But while letting yourself get scared by ghosts, goblins, and ghouls can be fun and relatively harmless, many single individuals and newly paired couples fear something far more important: love.

That’s right. We may not always realize it, but many of us are afflicted by fears of falling in love or being in a relationship. These insecurities lead us to put up a shield that can keep other people out and prevent us from being able to form lasting, loving, and genuine connections.

These defenses may take different shapes or appear in different situations, but they are often driven by the same common relationship “scares.”

We are scared of being vulnerable. When we open up our heart and allow ourselves to be deeply affected by another person, we make ourselves incredibly vulnerable. When you let yourself love someone, become excited, and grow hopeful, you expose yourself to the possibility of disappointment and rejection—and that’s scary.

We are scared of being hurt again. We all carry scars from previous relationships, dating all the way back to childhood. We may flinch at the possibility of being hurt in a similar way, and shy away from strong emotions because they remind us of negative relationships from our past. When you experience new love, it can remind you of the pain you associate with old loves lost.

We are scared of hurting the other person. In some situations, individuals feel reluctant to become too deeply involved in a relationship out of fear of hurting the other person. If we doubt our own ability to love, or worry that the other person feels too strongly already, we may hesitate to allow a relationship to blossom out of fear that we will end up rejecting or disappointing them. Worrying about how we feel at this moment can stop us from allowing ourselves to see how our feelings will evolve and grow over time, and keep us from even starting what could end up being a beautiful relationship.

Loving truly and deeply takes a great deal of courage, and relationships all come with their share of hurdles. Only after accepting these challenges, opening yourself up to the possibility of disappointment, and making the decision to face your fears can you give yourself an opportunity to find love.

For practical tools to navigate the many challenges associated with love and relationships, you may want to consider relationship counseling. A Delaware relationship counselor may be able to help you identify your own relationship “scares” and get to the root of the issues so you can approach future relationships with confidence and renewed passion.

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Published in Help with Relationships

Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195