Delaware Relationship Center

I'm sure it won't surprise anyone to learn that one of the big reasons couples come to me to help repair their relationship is due to one or both of them cheating. However, affairs come in all shapes and sizes, and one problem I’ve been seeing more and more lately is couples trying to recover after one of them has had an emotional affair.

Many partners don’t even immediately realize they are having this type of affair because they believe it’s not cheating if they’re not having sex. However, cheating isn’t just about sex. It’s about betraying your partner’s trust. If you’ve been carrying on a flirtation over email or Facebook, or have been secretly meeting someone you’re attracted to for lunch, you may be doing just as much emotional damage to your partner as if you had committed adultery.

So how can partners restore trust and resolve relationship issues after an emotional affair?

The Key to Recovery Is Open Communication

Every couple will go through the recovery process after an emotional affair differently, but the most important thing to remember is that you must rebuild trust. The best way to do that? Communicate openly. Both partners need to be honest with each other about how they’re feeling. Holding on to negative emotions and pretending everything is alright is only going to create more damaging relationship issues in the long run.

The partner who has cheated also needs to be honest and take responsibility for the affair, rather than making excuses for why they did what they did. Admitting to themselves and their partner that their behavior constituted infidelity is a major step towards recovery.

Not only do both partners need to talk to each other and be honest, they need to take turns really listening to one another. Listening shows that you care about your partner and want to do everything in your power to meet his or her needs. In fact, actively listening is how we develop compassion for another person. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are talking – let them get everything they need to say off their chest before you take your turn.

Bottom Line? It Takes Time

Recovering from an emotional affair will take time for both partners, and sometimes it’s just too much to do on your own. If you and your partner are currently struggling to move on after an emotional affair, don't hesitate to reach out.

Originally published 9/13/13. Updated 1/8/26.

In my practice, I’ve talked to clients who say sometimes they feel incredibly close to their partner, but other times they just don’t understand where their partner is coming from. Since relationship problems arise when we get into arguments and can’t empathize with the other person, whenever the couples I counsel tell me this, I work with them on an Imago therapy practice called developing a conscious partnership.

What's a conscious partnership? Essentially, it means that each person is supporting their partner’s psychological well-being by working to understand their feelings and personal history.

What Does a Conscious Partnership Look Like?

Couples who want a conscious partnership need to dialogue when they are having relationship problems rather than becoming combative or ignoring whatever’s been going wrong. This dialogue shouldn’t focus on what one partner perceives as the other’s faults, but should instead concentrate on how each partner feels.

No one’s a mind-reader, so even if you think your partner should be able to intuit how you feel, they’ll never know exactly what’s going through your mind until you tell them.

Talking through relationship problems is important because most of the time, an argument isn’t just about what’s happening at the time – it’s also about past unresolved issues. By dialoguing with your partner, you can get to the real source of the problem faster and work together to resolve the issue.

A Conscious Partnership Takes Time

Developing a conscious partnership takes practice. That’s why you and your partner need to keep up an ongoing dialogue -- even when you’re not in the middle of a heated conflict. By communicating honestly and openly, you’ll be better able to empathize with one another when relationship problems do arise, and you’ll be able to work together to overcome them rather than just fighting.

Of course, starting this kind of dialogue is not always easy; sometimes you just don’t know where to begin. If you’re feeling lost but want to work on developing a conscious partnership with your significant other, get in touch.

Originally published 8/23/25. Updated 9/12/25.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of relationships. When you spend a lot of time with someone – particularly if you live together – there’s bound to be friction from time to time. However, when conflicts escalate into right fighting – the relentless pursuit of being right at the expense of resolution – they can erode relationships and breed negativity. 

So, why do people engage in right fighting, and how can you break free from this destructive pattern?

“You’re Not Listening to Me!” 

Right fighting often stems from a deep-seated need to validate our opinions, beliefs, and values. Many people who engage in right fighting dealt with parents or others in early childhood who tended to negate those opinions, beliefs, and values, making them feel like no one listened or cared. Like they didn’t matter.

1. It’s not just your parents. Societal and cultural influences play a significant role in perpetuating the phenomenon of right fighting. From an early age, we   taught to value assertiveness, confidence, and independence. While  but 
2. traits are essential for self-expression and empowerment, they can also contribute to an adversarial approach to conflict resolution, where winning becomes the ultimate goal at any cost.

Additionally, right fighting can be fueled by ego and insecurity. When our sense of self-worth is tied to being right or winning arguments, we become hypersensitive to perceived threats to our intelligence, competence, or authority. We need to prove that they are wrong and we are right.

Bottom line, when we feel challenged or threatened, whether consciously or subconsciously, our instinct is to defend ourselves. Unfortunately, this innate desire to win arguments and assert dominance can override our ability to empathize with our partner and find common ground, leading to a cycle of escalating conflict.

But it doesn’t have to, and here’s the good news: often, people with the particular emotional wound that causes them to engage in right fighting tend to choose partners with the same wound. Why is that good? Because if you can both become aware of the issue and actively work against it, you can actually help each other to heal that wound.

Breaking the Right Fighting Cycle

While the impulse to engage in right fighting may be deeply ingrained, it is not insurmountable. There are several strategies that individuals can employ to break free from this destructive pattern and cultivate more constructive approaches to conflict resolution.

Practice Self-Awareness

The first step in overcoming right fighting is to recognize when you are falling into the trap of prioritizing being right over finding resolution. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors during conflicts, and identify any patterns or triggers that contribute to right fighting tendencies.

Shift Your Mindset to Your Partner

Instead of focusing on yourself and how threatened you’re feeling, actively work toward showing your partner that you see and hear them. If they say they told you to pick up milk, repeat this back to them – even if you don’t remember it that way: “You remember telling me to pick up the milk and I didn’t do it.”

What’s the point of this? It shows them that you’re actually listening and acknowledging their point of view. Which, at minimum, avoids escalating the argument, and may even start the work of de-escalating. You could then follow up with something like, “That sounds really frustrating.”

Keep in mind that you’re not agreeing what they said happened, just acknowledging that’s their experience of what occurred and empathizing. Because, in the end, who’s correct isn’t going to change the problem: either way, there’s no milk. So the argument isn’t about solving that – it’s about recognizing and respecting your partner’s feelings. 

When You Show Your Partner You See Them, Right Fights End

Remember, right fighting is about the need to have our thoughts and feelings validated. To have the other person acknowledge that we matter. Being aware of your own feelings and making yourself focus on your partner not only serves to prevent you from engaging in right fighting – it’s likely to knock them out of that heated zone and put both of you back on the right track.

Of course, no one is saying it’s easy in the heat of the moment. If you just can’t stop right fighting with your partner, we are here to help. Get in touch to see if we’re a good fit.