If you and your partner have just had your first child -- or you're about to -- going to a marriage therapist probably isn't the first thing on your mind. For a number of very obvious reasons, the new addition to your family is what's at the forefront of your thoughts. How can you muster up the time and energy to focus on your relationship?
Those feelings are completely understandable.
But it's worth it if you can do it. Because relationship issues often escalate quickly when partners are sleep deprived, trying to navigate parenthood, and attempting to figure out their new role in the family.
What are some things you should think about to head off potential problems before they rear their heads?
Tips for Couples Expecting Their First Child
Figure out how to divide domestic duties. There’s no getting around it—there will be a lot more household duties once you welcome a baby into your family. Figuring out who’s going to do things like clean up the kitchen, change diapers, or get up with the baby in the middle of the night can be a huge source of contention, so sit down with your partner ahead of time and discuss how you’ll divide tasks. It may work best for you to trade off tasks on a daily or weekly basis, so one person doesn't get stuck doing the same things all the time.
Discuss logistics. Sure, it’s not the most romantic activity, but you and your partner need to discuss the practical implications of having your first child rather than just playing it by ear. What does this mean? You should talk about whether one parent is going to take some time off from work, how much time they'll take off, and what that will mean for the family’s income. Stressing out over money is a huge source of relationship issues, but having a plan in place can help ease anxieties.
Plan for date nights. Before having a child, it's not uncommon for people to take alone time with their partner for granted. However, once the new baby arrives, you are almost guaranteed to neglect your significant other out of necessity. After all, you have a new life completely dependent on you. Unfortunately, this can lead to feelings of rejection, which can turn into bigger relationship issues. This means you need to make an extra effort to spend time with your partner when possible. Plan to get a babysitter every so often so that you can be alone and remember what you love about one another.
Learn to be flexible. As much as I’ve advocated planning ahead, there’s only so much anyone—even a experienced marriage therapist—can prepare you for. Having a child for the first time will be accompanied by plenty of surprises. You may find that the baby doesn’t want to nap on the schedule you’ve set up, or that there are new domestic duties that you never even anticipated. Be prepared to learn alongside your partner as you raise your child.
Originally published 10.24.13. Updated 5.14.26.
