Help with Relationships

5 Ways to Spring Clean Your Relationship

March 1, 2017
Delaware relationship counselor

Spring cleaning is a great way to freshen up your house.

You get to remove clutter that’s been making your home harder to navigate. Take care of stains and (ugh!) smells that have been lingering throughout the colder months. And maybe even make a few bucks to do something fun if you post unwanted items on Craigslist or have a garage sale. After spring cleaning, your home can feel like a new, better, more welcoming place to live.

Well, guess what? You can use the exact same principles of spring cleaning in other areas of your life. For example, your relationship.

How do you do this? Here’s a few tips:

Out With the Old.

We donate or throw away bags and bags of clothing or items that we don’t need when we do our big spring cleaning. Use this time to get rid of “junk” in your relationship, too! Bad habits? Start working on them! Old arguments that are still lingering? Time to kiss, make up, and move on. Having trouble doing that? Use this time to work on the communication skills necessary to not only solve current problems, but prevent future ones.

Do You Need It?

Along the lines of “tossing out things you don’t need,” look at the various commitments in your own life. You probably had perfectly good reasons for making those commitments at the time, but do those reasons still hold up now? If not, consider dropping them. Especially if they are causing any friction in your relationship.

While you’re doing that, use this time to sit down together and revisit your commitments to each other. Are there things that you could be doing better? Have new needs or desires arisen?

Clean Together

I mean it – actually clean. And while you’re taking the time to do your spring cleaning, talk about how you can both contribute to a welcoming, happy home. You and your partner are making this home together both literally and figuratively. What kind of home, or setting, do you want for your relationship this year?

As a nice little bonus, it will hopefully minimize the number of times your partner asks, “Honey, have you seen….”

Get Out in the Community

Shed your coat and take a walk to the nearest farmer’s market – you might just see a few of your neighbors. More people are out in the community during warmer weather, so use this time to reconnect and get in touch with the people around you.

What events or fundraisers can your partner and you attend this spring? What organizations need volunteers for the season? What event can you host? Getting out in the community not only gives you and your partner an excuse to get out of the house, it can also give you a new hobby or great date ideas!

Run, Don’t Walk!

Before you know it, you’ll have to break out your bathing suit. So shed any extra pounds you accumulated over the winter by taking a hike or a jog together in the beautiful weather. Your endorphins will get pumping, you’ll look fit, you’ll feel healthy, and you’ll find that you have more energy.

And by doing it together, you’ll be able to reconnect with your partner – and you might even find that you’re encouraged to do something with all that extra energy you both have when you return home.

Start Something New

Getting new living room furniture or bathroom tiling for the spring season? It feels good to see something new and fresh in your home, right? Transfer this idea over to your relationship.

Add something new to your routine. It could be a class, a new restaurant for date nights – even something as seemingly small as a new television show. Adding new and interesting things to your relationship will give you the ability to see your relationship (and your partner) from a fresh perspective.

Want more ways to spring clean your relationship? Contact a Delaware relationship counselor.

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How to Take the Pressure Off Valentine’s Day

February 1, 2017

Delaware Relationship CounselorValentine’s Day ads are everywhere. Sweet perfumes. Chocolates. And, of course, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds.

It can be overwhelming. You may feel a lot of pressure to go all out. To make it perfect.

As a relationship counselor, I have news for you: you don’t have to go all-out on Valentine’s Day. In fact, it shouldn’t be your eggs-in-one-basket day of romance any year, but this year, in particular, you should cut yourself some slack.

After all, this Valentine’s Day is on a Tuesday. It’s harder to hire a babysitter for a romantic night out on the town, and most likely, you’ve both got to get up early the next day anyway.

That isn’t to say that you should cancel your Valentine’s Day reservations or skip gifts this year. The holiday is a wonderful opportunity to do something extra special for your relationship.

But trying to make the day “perfect” or creating a huge build-up in expectations is only going to serve to make things more stressful – the last thing you want when trying to express your love and create a romantic atmosphere.

So how can you relieve some of the pressure?

Start early.

Just because the “main event” of your Valentine’s Day is in the evening doesn’t mean you need to wait until then to get started. Offer compliments and appreciation as soon as you wake up. Tell them a massage is coming at the end of the night. Send flowers to their office during the day.

Basically, offer little gestures throughout the day. It will not only take the pressure off of your big plans, but also help you to set an example for celebrating your love every day of the year.

Communicate with your spouse.

Be upfront if you are feeling pressured to plan a big surprise for Valentine’s Day. Most likely, your spouse will understand your desire to have a low-key night at home.

But if you are not communicating beforehand, there might be some awkward tension on Valentine’s Day about what you do or don’t have planned. If you don’t have any surprises planned, don’t make that a surprise.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day throughout the year.

Sometimes, one partner expects more from Valentine’s Day than the other. And we should be encouraged to celebrate our relationship and the love that we share with our spouses or partners. But these celebrations do not have to be limited to one single day.

If you decide not to fuss over Valentine’s Day this year, but your partner still loves to celebrate the holiday, come up with a couple’s answer for how and when you celebrate your love.

Do you want to reschedule to the following Saturday? (All of the candy will be on sale!) Do you want to make a promise to have a date night once a month in 2017, thereby spreading Valentine’s Day over 12 days throughout the year? Or what about just picking a day at random that works for you both?

Remember: it’s not the specific date that matters; it’s the act of making time and effort to show your love for one another.

Need more advice on how you can celebrate your love every day? Contact a Delaware relationship counselor.

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3 Reasons to Prioritize Your Relationship This Year

January 20, 2017

Delaware marriage therapyI hope that you had a wonderful holiday season and have started 2017 off on a positive and relaxing note!

Even though the New Year has begun, there is still time to set goals and assess your priorities.  Did you and your partner set any relationship goals for the year yet? Here are a few reasons you should make your relationship a priority in 2017 – and thereafter!

Isn’t It About Time?

Focusing on your relationship is important during any phase of life.

Partners who are still dating can really dive deep into the potential of their relationship, making this a big year for moving forward. Newlyweds can set the standard for growing a strong relationship for the rest of your days. Couples who have been married for years can grow distracted by parenting or their career and often need a reminder about why their connection is so important to their happiness, success, and personal growth.

No matter how long you and your partner have been together, let’s make 2017 your year! Making your relationship a priority can really put your love into full gear, or give you and your partner a fresh look at your life together.

We Will Grow in 2017… Will Our Relationship?

When we let other areas of our life become our priority, our relationship can come to a standstill. This is dangerous territory: we are always growing, learning, and changing as people. If we continue to grow without growing in our relationship, there is a possibility that we will grow apart from our partners.

This is a dangerous road to go down; walk through this year with your partner, and learn to grow together.

Delaware Marriage Therapy: Building Your Relationship Builds Your Support System

You have a lot of other goals for the New Year. Our partners have committed to supporting us in all areas of our lives, so as you grow closer to your partner, you are focusing on a relationship that will nurture you and build you up to achieve any of your resolutions or goals for the year. This is a two-way street: growing closer to your partner will also help you build your abilities as a support system and as an individual.

Focusing on your relationship can help the two of you conquer the world and deepen your relationship together!

If you need help on your journey, seek out Delaware marriage therapy.

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How to Avoid Fighting during the Holidays

December 20, 2016

avoid fightingI’m sure there are a number of things that are already stressing you out about the holidays.

Your cousins coming in from out of town. The status of the gift you ordered online. Whether or not your mother is going to let you cook Christmas dinner without hovering over your shoulder.

The specific stressors may be different for each of us, but they exist for almost everyone. The last thing you want to do is add even more stress by getting into a fight with your partner. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens for a lot of people.

Maybe you and your partner are in a bit of a rough place, or tension has been building up for quite some time. Maybe all of that external stress is just causing you to vent. Whatever your reasons, there are things you can do to avoid fighting and keep a calm head and enjoy the holidays.

De-stress before talking about minor conflicts.

Get yourself in a calm mindset before you discuss any minor conflicts or issues. The pressure of the holidays can only intensify conflicts. Also remember that alcohol or excitement can intensify emotions and actions, so don’t bring up a conflict immediately after getting home from a holiday party. If you decide to bring up an issue within your relationship, find a quiet moment at home to do so.

Create a plan for conflict resolution.

You may feel like some of your relationship issues would be better resolved after the holidays are over, especially if they are minor. But your partner may have a different view.

Talk to your partner about when and how you will resolve the different conflicts in your relationship. Is it best to get it out of the way and resolved before your family comes into town? Or would you rather not spoil the holidays over something that isn’t a pressing matter? Having an open dialogue about your plan will get both of you on the same page and in agreement about the next few weeks.

Don’t vent to others.

Your mom is coming into town, and you just need to vent about the stress you’re feeling towards your partner. It feels good to let off some steam, right? Wrong!

Unfortunately, this might create a rift between your mom and your partner, especially if this is a first Christmas for these two, or your parents are already not the biggest fans of your partner.

You don’t want to start a family battle around the dinner table, so update your relatives on your grievances after they’ve flown home for the New Year. Work with your partner to resolve any conflicts, so you can share, if appropriate, the good efforts the two of you have made.

Have a conflict that needs to be solved before the holiday season or need a better approach to working constructively with conflict? Give a relationship counselor a call. They will be able to help you and your partner create a plan for a loving holiday season.

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What Could Be Getting in the Way of Your Gratitude

November 22, 2016

relationship helpThanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It gives us time to sit down with our loved ones and express our gratitude.

Gratitude can keep you going through tough times in your relationship. We all know the warm feeling of truly appreciating what we have … so it is an upsetting feeling when we fail to reach that heightened sense of gratitude on Thanksgiving Day.

By exploring the things that hinder us from feeling thankful, we can change our perspective and enjoy a more gracious and positive Thanksgiving. We can also bring these techniques into our relationships for more joy and fulfillment everyday.

So let’s start. What stops you from feeling grateful?

You are too busy preparing for Thanksgiving.

The holidays can easily be equal parts exciting and extremely stressful, especially Thanksgiving, and especially if you are hosting your family’s dinner.

It’s common to spend most of your Thanksgiving preparation sorting out family drama, running around getting everything ready, or even researching Black Friday deals.

Take a step back and consider what is really matters to you and what really has to get done.

You have unrealistic expectations.

We run around like chickens (or in this case, turkeys,) with our heads cut off, because we want our dinners to be perfect. Sometimes, these goals are unrealistic.

There are always going to be bumps in the road, whether we are trying to cook a dinner for dozens of people or grow our relationships. Often, when we can’t reach our goals, we lose sight of how much we worked or how close we were to achieving them.

Instead of constantly thinking about the next thing you have to do, or how your dinner is going to taste, take some time to see how far you have come, how much you have, and how much you have accomplished.

You don’t practice gratitude daily.

Gratitude should not be reserved for the third Thursday of November. Every day, we should tell ourselves one thing that we are thankful for. This is not just a way to prepare for Thanksgiving; adding positivity and gratitude into our daily lives will elevate our mood and bring us a happier life.

Clear out anything that is getting in the way of your gratitude this holiday season. Incorporate giving thanks into every day and every meal.

Interested in further relationship help? Get in contact with our office today.

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Bridging the Political Divide with Your Partner

November 2, 2016

relationship issues political disagreementsHere we go… another election season. Is it over yet?

When politics is the topic of the day (or week, or month, or year) talking to people can become stressful really fast. Your social media may be flooded with articles you do not want to see, you may find yourself rolling your eyes at your coworkers, and let’s not even go into what talking about politics is like with your parents or family.

For many people, home is your refuge. It’s where you can get away from the intensity, let off steam, and set aside the nonsense of debating.

But what if your partner has a different political opinion? It can sometimes be the cause of serious relationship issues.

As much as we may try to avoid talking about politics with our partner, it’s going to come up eventually – especially in an election year. Sometimes, all it takes is a snide joke while reading the morning paper or listening to the nightly news, and suddenly you’re in full-on argument mode, ready to take each other down.

But most couples don’t have to let it get this far. If you prepare. If you set ground rules. Before you have a discussion about politics (or any taboo subject, for that matter), you and your partner have to agree on two things:

You both have a right to your opinion. Because it is just that – your opinion. Your partner does not have the right to tell you that you are “wrong,” and you do not have the right to tell your partner that he or she is “an idiot.”

If either of you misquotes something or uses inaccurate statistics, it is perfectly reasonable to provide research and facts that are more up-to-date. But in the end, you both have a right to your political views.

You both can learn something new. Remember, bothparties must agree to this before you begin any potentially heated discussion – political or otherwise.

It is crucial that you listen to what your partner is saying when you discuss politics, rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Listening to your partner’s opinion can help you see their perspective – and maybe even learn something new.

Where Are Political Discussions Appropriate?
        
Political discussions can erupt anywhere… and with anyone. Do you dread holiday dinners because of the inevitable politics discussion? You’re not alone.

If you get uncomfortable or embarrassed when your partner gets into political discussions with your friends or family, let him or her know!

During a quiet moment at home or while you are having a private discussion, talk to your partner about where you think political discussions are appropriate (and where they aren’t!). Your partner may disagree with your views here, but come to a couple’s answer about where it is okay to bring up politics – and both of you stick to it.

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Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195