3 Reasons to Prioritize Your Relationship This Year

January 20, 2017

Delaware marriage therapyI hope that you had a wonderful holiday season and have started 2017 off on a positive and relaxing note!

Even though the New Year has begun, there is still time to set goals and assess your priorities.  Did you and your partner set any relationship goals for the year yet? Here are a few reasons you should make your relationship a priority in 2017 – and thereafter!

Isn’t It About Time?

Focusing on your relationship is important during any phase of life.

Partners who are still dating can really dive deep into the potential of their relationship, making this a big year for moving forward. Newlyweds can set the standard for growing a strong relationship for the rest of your days. Couples who have been married for years can grow distracted by parenting or their career and often need a reminder about why their connection is so important to their happiness, success, and personal growth.

No matter how long you and your partner have been together, let’s make 2017 your year! Making your relationship a priority can really put your love into full gear, or give you and your partner a fresh look at your life together.

We Will Grow in 2017… Will Our Relationship?

When we let other areas of our life become our priority, our relationship can come to a standstill. This is dangerous territory: we are always growing, learning, and changing as people. If we continue to grow without growing in our relationship, there is a possibility that we will grow apart from our partners.

This is a dangerous road to go down; walk through this year with your partner, and learn to grow together.

Delaware Marriage Therapy: Building Your Relationship Builds Your Support System

You have a lot of other goals for the New Year. Our partners have committed to supporting us in all areas of our lives, so as you grow closer to your partner, you are focusing on a relationship that will nurture you and build you up to achieve any of your resolutions or goals for the year. This is a two-way street: growing closer to your partner will also help you build your abilities as a support system and as an individual.

Focusing on your relationship can help the two of you conquer the world and deepen your relationship together!

If you need help on your journey, seek out Delaware marriage therapy.

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How to Avoid Fighting during the Holidays

December 20, 2016

avoid fightingI’m sure there are a number of things that are already stressing you out about the holidays.

Your cousins coming in from out of town. The status of the gift you ordered online. Whether or not your mother is going to let you cook Christmas dinner without hovering over your shoulder.

The specific stressors may be different for each of us, but they exist for almost everyone. The last thing you want to do is add even more stress by getting into a fight with your partner. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens for a lot of people.

Maybe you and your partner are in a bit of a rough place, or tension has been building up for quite some time. Maybe all of that external stress is just causing you to vent. Whatever your reasons, there are things you can do to avoid fighting and keep a calm head and enjoy the holidays.

De-stress before talking about minor conflicts.

Get yourself in a calm mindset before you discuss any minor conflicts or issues. The pressure of the holidays can only intensify conflicts. Also remember that alcohol or excitement can intensify emotions and actions, so don’t bring up a conflict immediately after getting home from a holiday party. If you decide to bring up an issue within your relationship, find a quiet moment at home to do so.

Create a plan for conflict resolution.

You may feel like some of your relationship issues would be better resolved after the holidays are over, especially if they are minor. But your partner may have a different view.

Talk to your partner about when and how you will resolve the different conflicts in your relationship. Is it best to get it out of the way and resolved before your family comes into town? Or would you rather not spoil the holidays over something that isn’t a pressing matter? Having an open dialogue about your plan will get both of you on the same page and in agreement about the next few weeks.

Don’t vent to others.

Your mom is coming into town, and you just need to vent about the stress you’re feeling towards your partner. It feels good to let off some steam, right? Wrong!

Unfortunately, this might create a rift between your mom and your partner, especially if this is a first Christmas for these two, or your parents are already not the biggest fans of your partner.

You don’t want to start a family battle around the dinner table, so update your relatives on your grievances after they’ve flown home for the New Year. Work with your partner to resolve any conflicts, so you can share, if appropriate, the good efforts the two of you have made.

Have a conflict that needs to be solved before the holiday season or need a better approach to working constructively with conflict? Give a relationship counselor a call. They will be able to help you and your partner create a plan for a loving holiday season.

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What Could Be Getting in the Way of Your Gratitude

November 22, 2016

relationship helpThanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It gives us time to sit down with our loved ones and express our gratitude.

Gratitude can keep you going through tough times in your relationship. We all know the warm feeling of truly appreciating what we have … so it is an upsetting feeling when we fail to reach that heightened sense of gratitude on Thanksgiving Day.

By exploring the things that hinder us from feeling thankful, we can change our perspective and enjoy a more gracious and positive Thanksgiving. We can also bring these techniques into our relationships for more joy and fulfillment everyday.

So let’s start. What stops you from feeling grateful?

You are too busy preparing for Thanksgiving.

The holidays can easily be equal parts exciting and extremely stressful, especially Thanksgiving, and especially if you are hosting your family’s dinner.

It’s common to spend most of your Thanksgiving preparation sorting out family drama, running around getting everything ready, or even researching Black Friday deals.

Take a step back and consider what is really matters to you and what really has to get done.

You have unrealistic expectations.

We run around like chickens (or in this case, turkeys,) with our heads cut off, because we want our dinners to be perfect. Sometimes, these goals are unrealistic.

There are always going to be bumps in the road, whether we are trying to cook a dinner for dozens of people or grow our relationships. Often, when we can’t reach our goals, we lose sight of how much we worked or how close we were to achieving them.

Instead of constantly thinking about the next thing you have to do, or how your dinner is going to taste, take some time to see how far you have come, how much you have, and how much you have accomplished.

You don’t practice gratitude daily.

Gratitude should not be reserved for the third Thursday of November. Every day, we should tell ourselves one thing that we are thankful for. This is not just a way to prepare for Thanksgiving; adding positivity and gratitude into our daily lives will elevate our mood and bring us a happier life.

Clear out anything that is getting in the way of your gratitude this holiday season. Incorporate giving thanks into every day and every meal.

Interested in further relationship help? Get in contact with our office today.

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Bridging the Political Divide with Your Partner

November 2, 2016

relationship issues political disagreementsHere we go… another election season. Is it over yet?

When politics is the topic of the day (or week, or month, or year) talking to people can become stressful really fast. Your social media may be flooded with articles you do not want to see, you may find yourself rolling your eyes at your coworkers, and let’s not even go into what talking about politics is like with your parents or family.

For many people, home is your refuge. It’s where you can get away from the intensity, let off steam, and set aside the nonsense of debating.

But what if your partner has a different political opinion? It can sometimes be the cause of serious relationship issues.

As much as we may try to avoid talking about politics with our partner, it’s going to come up eventually – especially in an election year. Sometimes, all it takes is a snide joke while reading the morning paper or listening to the nightly news, and suddenly you’re in full-on argument mode, ready to take each other down.

But most couples don’t have to let it get this far. If you prepare. If you set ground rules. Before you have a discussion about politics (or any taboo subject, for that matter), you and your partner have to agree on two things:

You both have a right to your opinion. Because it is just that – your opinion. Your partner does not have the right to tell you that you are “wrong,” and you do not have the right to tell your partner that he or she is “an idiot.”

If either of you misquotes something or uses inaccurate statistics, it is perfectly reasonable to provide research and facts that are more up-to-date. But in the end, you both have a right to your political views.

You both can learn something new. Remember, bothparties must agree to this before you begin any potentially heated discussion – political or otherwise.

It is crucial that you listen to what your partner is saying when you discuss politics, rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Listening to your partner’s opinion can help you see their perspective – and maybe even learn something new.

Where Are Political Discussions Appropriate?
        
Political discussions can erupt anywhere… and with anyone. Do you dread holiday dinners because of the inevitable politics discussion? You’re not alone.

If you get uncomfortable or embarrassed when your partner gets into political discussions with your friends or family, let him or her know!

During a quiet moment at home or while you are having a private discussion, talk to your partner about where you think political discussions are appropriate (and where they aren’t!). Your partner may disagree with your views here, but come to a couple’s answer about where it is okay to bring up politics – and both of you stick to it.

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Managing Back to School Chaos (While Keeping Family Bonding Time Alive)

October 5, 2016
relationship therapist

Football season is starting up. The temperature is finally beginning to drop. And your bank account is drained from buying school supplies. Yes, it’s that time of year again!

Are you ready for back-to-school season?

Every parent knows the rush of getting your children back into the routine of going to school. Early morning wake-ups, coffee-fueled chauffeuring, and frantically trying to figure out when soccer practice starts.

It’s a chaotic transition, especially after your family just enjoyed a fun and wonderful summer at home together. But family bonding doesn’t have to stop just because school is starting.

How do you manage to bring that fun of vacation back in the midst of back to school chaos?

Know your schedule.

It’s a great idea to plan family bonding days and quick vacations during the school year, but the question is… when? The easiest way to make these days a reality is to know when you are all free.

Keep a family calendar in your kitchen to map out sports, recitals, book clubs, and any other important events. Not only will this help you find free time, it will also prevent you from missing out on any big days in your children’s lives.

Set goals.

This is a great time to set goals for the next year. Whether it concerns your child’s academics, your family relationships, or the future (getting into college, moving up to a higher level in gymnastics, retirement, and so on), sit down and talk with your family about these goals, so you are all on the same page.

Knowing everyone’s goals will allow you to help each other succeed and be a strong support system throughout the year.

Sit down for dinner.

As cheesy as it sounds, studies show that it’s extremely beneficial for families to sit down at the dinner table and enjoy the evening meal together. Maneuvering your schedules and duties for family dinner is worth it.

Family dinners elicit more conversation, put your children at a lower risk for dangerous activities, and are far healthier for your children than throwing food at them on-the-go or sticking them in front of the television.

Take care of yourself.

Back to school season is not just stressful for your children – it can also put a strain on your emotional and mental health. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

Remember, you cannot pour from an empty glass. Make sure your needs are being fulfilled also before you devote your energy to your children and your relationship. Help each other learn to better monitor your level of energy daily and slow down when you are feeling the need to recuperate.

Need help navigating the change? Contact a relationship therapist to work with you and your family.

 

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5 Tips for Getting Out of a Rut in Your Marriage  

August 24, 2016

your marriageIt is completely normal for couples to go through rough patches or uncomfortable periods in their marriage. After all, you probably spend more time with your spouse than anyone else. And life is not always perfect.

But it’s not fun to find your marriage in a rut. Moreover, if a rut continues for too long, it can eventually push you further apart and cause much bigger problems.

Don’t let that happen. Consider these tips to get your marriage back on the upswing.

Be honest. And do it as soon as possible. Often times, couples do not want to admit to themselves or each other that they are feeling insecure in their marriage.

It’s not an enjoyable conversation to have, but it’s necessary to address lingering conflicts or negative feelings.  Be upfront and gentle in sharing with your spouse. Have this conversation as soon as you can.

Listen. Your spouse may see your rut in a different light than you. When it is your spouse’s turn to talk about his or her feelings, really listen!!

This is the only way to know if you are on the same page, or if there is something you need to do to support your spouse during this time.

Determine if the problem lies elsewhere. Is your marriage in a rut, or are you in a rut? Sometimes, stress from outside your relationship (work, family, self-confidence) can have a huge affect on your relationship. This is dangerous, since it may cause you or your partner to blame your relationship for your problems, rather than the real culprit (outside stress).

Do a self-assessment if you’re feeling especially insecure or frustrated in your marriage. How are you handling other aspects of your life? Understanding the origins of your frustration is the best way to move forward and improve your mood.

Refresh. If you need some time to heal or work on personal issues, there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. Go on a hiking trip alone, or attend a retreat for that will allow you to reflect and rejuvenate.

When you come back to your spouse after some self-care, you will feel refreshed and ready to work on your relationship.

Consider relationship coaching. Often, we get so wrapped up in our problems with our spouse that we cannot see the greater issues. This is a great time for a relationship coach/therapist to come in and work you through the rut in your marriage.

An unbiased, trained third party will help you and your spouse see different perspectives and alternative suggestions for bringing the spark back to your marriage.

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Walt Ciecko, Ph. D., BCB
605 Wynyard Rd
Wilmington, DE 19803
302-429-0195